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March 07, 2009 |
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Nuts to You
FOUND by Nick Sakes
in St. Paul, MN
Today, Valentine's Day 2008, as I was walking down the chip aisle of a downtown Target store, I saw this peeking out from behind a bag of Doritos.
There is an actual quarter taped to the envelope!
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Making the Rest of... January 11, 2004 |
Things Could Be... October 05, 2006 |
Mysterious Interior September 25, 2007 |
Where The Devle... August 27, 2006 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
So nice that he actually signed the note. People don't take the time to do that these days.
Well, Doritos do have partially hydrogenated oils in them. Add that to the MSG, and Amy could find herself shitting her pants with a screaming headache. I hope she picked up some Depends and Advil before leaving the store.
I hope you shit in your pants, but please don't vomit in the sink.
(wtf?) I really don't get this note.
Amy must have told Percy she would shit if he ever got her a card. But I can't figure out what the quarter's for.
Maybe Amy had previously shat in Percy's pants, and Percy is returning her card of apology, and including a quarter for a stamp...
ut that was in his twisted, early years. He went on,of course, to write "Adonais" and "To A Skylar
Wow! That is awesome.
If she needed to be reimbursed for a stamp, he should have taped 2 quarters on there.
In some cities, don't you have to pay a quarter to use the restroom? Maybe this Target store has a pay-john. I think Percy is a very considerate jerk.
Maybe Amy worked in that department at Target (although as an employee, she shouldn't have to pay to use the bathroom). And poor thing never received her card, because Nick came along & claimed it for FOUND.
I wonder what the Val-Day card inside was like. Romantic, joke-ish, shit-mushy?
"Percy", huh? I thought Percy as a name went out with the Days of Earls and Virgils.
And why was this card found tucked among the Doritos? Is Amy a shelf-stocker, and Percy expects her to find it? Obviously Nick got to it first. Poor Amy never got her card, or her quarter...so Percy will never know if she would have crapped her drawers or not.
Or was the envelope empty when Nick found (ie lifted) it? I think not, because even if she didn't keep the envelope she surely would have pocketed the quarter?
And are the Doritos shelved near the Depends? Just in case Amy might need one...
I don't think Amy ever got her card, otherwise she would have spent the quarter. Or more likely put it into her piggy bank, cuz nobody's spending money these days!
"..the Days of Earls and Virgils"! That's funny! If I ever have three cats at a time, I think I'll name them Percy, Earl and Virgil!
I like Target.. I just like to walk around and look at stuff there, the way it's organized and arranged. Esthetically pleasing.
Wait. It's not Valentine's day. And It's not 2008! I'm sooo confuuuuused!
Finally. Percy gets the true meaning of Valentine's Day. No commercialism for him. Good for you Percy!
My husband never writes romantic cards like this to me anymore... *sigh*
A Found with a dividend!
Nick - You're a shoplifter. This was a new line of cards Hallmark was trying out - someone decided against it and simply stuck it on a random shelf. Doesn't mean you can just pick something up and take it with out paying. Like someone's wallet sitting in an open purse in a shopping cart or something..
For someone who has such definitive periods, he really missed out on the apostrophe in heres. I wish I could have seen it.
I hope Amy shit her pants, too.
Greeting Cards made of laxatives...I never saw that one coming.
I wonder if the inside of the card said "That wasn't chocolate in that See's Candies Box"
@ Baby Basil: Percy is still quite a common name here-abouts. When I was a kid, I had a blue parakeet named Percy. We named him after our Senator(????). Got him for Christmas...he was dead by mid-winter. His poor little frozen body had to chill on the back porch until the funeral in spring.
BTW, I'm just curious....do you pronounce your name Bay-zell or Bazzle? :)
Amy the Target worker (who had a habit of stealing Doritos when no one was looking) was performing at a Valentine's Day karaoke that night, and she was very nervous. In the past she'd had a history of, well, shitting in her pants when she had to sing in front of people. Percy, despite their recent breakup (she said he never gave her romantic cards), was still thinking about her a lot, and he decided to leave her a quarter for the karaoke machine. To keep from making a broken-up fool of himself, he added, "I hope you shit in your pants," so she wouldn't think he was desperate.
Olestra causes the shits.
I hope Amy didn't eat any of those nasty chips.
If Nick Sakes -
found a women
with the last name
Forgods
and the married
she could be
Mrs. Nick Forgods-Sakes.
.."here's a quarter.
call someone who cares."
Percy, you took the words right out of my mouth. (or Travis Tritt's as it were)
Hmmm, I wonder if the card was still in the envelope, and with such sweet sentiments on the outside, what was left to say on the inside?
Nick, we need more information!
What if that card was left there for Amy to go find? I guess she never found it because Nick took it. Gee that was nice. Percy proably got hell for it.
Percy? Percy.
I hope /you/ shit your pants.
Mountain Girl, actually it's more like "bahhh-zel."
@ Baby Basil: Cool. I've always wondered.
Wasn't there some old famous guy called Basil Rathbone? I always thought that was one helluva name. Sounded kind of confrontational, wicked, scary even. Of course I was pronouncing it Bazzle Wrath Bone, so maybe I've had it wrong all along.
I think I'll get me some basil seeds for my garden this year.
Actually Basil Rathbone was one of the many British actors to portray Sherlock Holmes in the movies.And I do agree...cool name
That's weird. If I click 'previous' I go from Nuts To You, to OK, to Nameless. But if i click 'next' from Nameless it goes to No Vomit in Sink, then to Nuts To You. Is there some kind of phantom find here?
Also, what's with the spam question? 28 x 15? Are we trying to filter out some of the more stupid members?
Lol that's funny as all getout! Wonder if it's "really" real? Lol as for the spammer questions... glad I've got a calculator!
The card must have been really funny. Isn't that what people say..."I laughed so hard that I shit my pants!"
The quarter is for Amy to call somebody who gives a sh*t.
@ Wanting More: The arrows skip around sometimes. It always does that. Are you new here?
@ Mountain Girl and Baby Basil: I'm pretty sure the word "Basil" also means "king" in some language.
Ok. Was there actually a card inside?
If so, here's my theory:
Amy works at that target store (or stops there frequently to curb the munchies) and Percy left this surprise there for her to find after being accused by her of never getting her a card much less spending a quarter on her for V-day (used to be a dime, but inflation and all...). Then she informed him she'd lose control of her bowels if he ever did.
Sound plausible?
It does to me. Kids today are SO romantic!
@ Random: been an occasional visitor for some time, but as a regular I am pretty new.
What if Amy is, in fact, Percy's girlfriend. She is soon to perform in a high school play. Being the king of multi-taskers, Percy buys Amy the obligatory Valentine's Day card, attaches a quarter he owes her from lunch the day before, and writes on the front of the card his good luck note for her upcoming performance. He remembers you don't wish an actor "good luck," but he can't exactly remember what you DO wish. Upon discovering his error while texting a friend in Target, Percy hides Amy's card admist the Doritos. This would mean, of course, that "Love, Percy" is sincere, not sarcastic.
i couldn't help but notice that when you're talking about the word 'shit' in the paste tense, you don't conjugate it to 'shat' the way we do. what a sad loss to your lexicon...
i hope amy shat her pants - the flow is grammatically much better, i think.
I've always wondered about the name Percy...Is that short for anything? A nickname, what?
I like that Percy wrote "shit IN your pants" and not "shit your pants."
Nick, thanks for the Find and for remembering to send all found money to Found Magazine.
My grandmother has a female miniature poodle named Percy, which I have always found to be odd as I thought it was a masculine name.
I wonder if this find is a scan cause you know I would have kept that quarter.
@innocent bystander: Percy comes from Percival, an Old French name. In England it became the surname Percy.
Nick, I dont think this was meant for you to take. What about Amy? What about the odd conversation of Percy asking Amy if she really did shit her pants and she has no clue what hes talking about? What about Percy's excitment on delivering this card. And more importantly, Why'd you steal someones money?
And then, when Percy kept bugging Amy about how she liked the card and she FINALLY got through to him that, no, she never got a card from him ... well, Percy lost control and had to change his pants.
@Clover--if you get another cat, don't leave out the name "Chauncey". It goes along with the rest of them.
@Hiplainsdrifter--and if he met someone with the last name "land", she could be "Land-Sakes".
Someone shitting their pants is always funny. Except when it's you.
She opened the envelope to reveal the card:
Happy Valentines Day Bitch.
P.S. I left my camera at your house, can you drop it by?
not looking forward to cleaning amy's pants
Just to clarify - did Nick take the card itself, or just a picture of the card? If he took the card itself, then shame on him for intervening in what is clearly a romantic in joke between people of potentially dubious continence.
My dad had a female cat named Percy. It was short for persistent. :)
i saw the actual envelope and card it contained. i am nick's ex-wife (one of them), and i don't completely remember the inside of the card, but it was definitely NOT a joke, but a very angry sort of message. it said something about amy's husband, possibly including the words "drunk" and/or "bastard" and/or "piece of shit". it also had the most important and best part of the find, which was, "Nuts to you!" that's the title of this submission is, yet they only published the envelope without the card. it really loses something when not viewed as a complete set, and i'm sure nick sent the whole thing in.