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December 20, 2007 |
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U R Such a Bitch
FOUND by JB
in London, England
Found in the street outside Finsbury Park. Ouch!
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
Fonk you! Wooohaahaaa!!!....or is that "fank you"?
Dear me, Trinny and Susannah can be really heartless sometimes. ;)
Isn't this from an episode of America's next top Model? It sounds like stuff Tyra and Janice Dickinson would say to some poor girl from Ohio.
sounds like a silly exchange between two friends.. and i know it's only one person's handwriting.. you foundlings are ignoring the new school technique of note showing rather than passing..
wondering what the other girl's paper says.,,
I don't think even Specsavers will serve you if you be stinkin of fish.
So very literate. I sometimes despair for the future of the English language.
This is the perfect opportunity for everyone to take a look at their eyebrows. A little grooming makes a huge difference. Get into a salon for a few minutes and come out looking younger and sexier!
How very nice it is to have friends like this, who will point out one's little unpleasantries, in an effort to help correct errors in hygeine and a person's social faux pas. Fank you very much.
You're melcom.
Oops. I mean "hygiene".
(It is 'I before E except after G' isn't it?)
Brutally good find! Thanks JB.
I wonder what is crossed out before moustache?
This sounds like lyrics to a Wesley Willis song.
"fonk you!" is now my favorite explicative.
First of all, what is Specsavers? I'm not familiar with this place.
Secondly, I have to wholeheartedly agree with 'shehasagoodpo in t.' It's astounding the difference groomed brows make!
Oh, and am I the only one surprised to see this coming out of London? I expect the originators of the English language to do better than that. This sounds like ghetto speak straight outta da hood, yo!
(finder is not me by the way: hi, JB)
'...get rid of dat stupid' what?
pout?
The only thing she needs to get rid of is dis rude friend.
I am sure this is NOT girls at the back of class.
She's probably just dumped this guy and he's trying to get back at her.
At least it's constructive criticism! He didn't just call her a 'bitch ass dyke' or shower her with insults like the gentleman in
http://www.foundmagazine.com/comments/1808 .
I happen to find "dat stupid pout" sexy.
Oh, I see now -- it's a novel SPECSAVERS advertising campaign targeted at a very specific audience.
No, Jonathan, this is girl-to-girl. What guy knows about putting vaseline on crusty, chapped lips? Or cocoa butter on a moustache? I'm a guy and I didn't know that. And I'm gay. We're supposed to know those things.
Definitely girl-to-girl.
"Fonk you" is now my favorite explitive also, and will be delivered to any friend who won't lose dat stupid pout.
I used cocoa butter on my eyebrows. Look what happened...
wussup to the max sec in lockdown.. i'm in max security, not locked down
and i know, people are thinking..who's looking after things, if the max security people are on the internet...
Since we don't have Specsavers in the colonies, can you clue us in as to the referenced advert? (<-- note clever use of UK lingo)
I've never heard of putting cocoa butter in 'staches??? What's this suppose to do for it? And 'pouts' are sexy, especially with big, swollen lips! HEHE!
Having lived in London as a kid, I too think she is writing 'fank you', in a full phonetic rendering of a cockney accent.
Eg. "Thank you for taking my kind & tactful criticism on board, I dooo hope you won't be such a disGRACEful sight in future, you hideous mountebank. Cheerio toodle-pip".
I love the way 'GO TO SPECSAVERS' is in capitals, as if to emphasise that this is the most biting insult possible to humankind. Ooh, burn.
http://www.specsavers.co.uk/cgi-bin/strudwick.sh/s?
thank goodness we have google, here in the colonies
Oh - 'specsavers' sells glasses. They have (or had) a tagline in their adverts of 'You should have gone to specsavers!' (usually featuring geeky glasses-wearer surrounded by sexy glasses-wearers, who have all been to specsavers, laughing at them).
I don't know anything about putting cocoa butter on your mustache, and I am Hungarian, so I probably need to know. I thought it was just for stretch marks.
I live with two teenage girls (who are not related) and I am going to agree that this is girl-to-girl. Those little biatches can get mean and catty, and basically over nothing. They are ridiculous.
Lord, how I wish grammar, spelling, and handwriting where still taught. This is insane. Some places even teach ebonics, because, as you all know and appreciate, it is SO MUCH BETTER going through life sounding like an ignorant simpleton than to sound like you actually passed first grade.
Great, thanks alot, Found, now my dander's all up and I am annoyed.
SuzyQ,
Surely you meant "WERE still taught" and "thanks a lot".
(How embarrassing when grammar critics make mistakes. Hopefully it will make them more tolerant of all.)
u need to by a dikshunary!
I see it differently: This looks like the "prewriting" some of my students do before beginning an essay. The "ebonics" that annoyed Suzie Q is actually a time-saving method. This girl is clearly preparing to write about improvements that sh hopes to make to herself. (I don't actually think that's what this find is, but it COULD be, is all I'm sayin...)
...Or it's a list of standards which must be met if the relationship is going to continue.
Y'know, kinda like the judge in Mrs. Doubtfire telling Robin Williams he needs to get a job, a suitable place to live, and a cocoa buttered mustache if he's going to be allowed to see his children regularly.
Canadians are always so helpful. Note that I know what Specsavers is, since I referenced their advert campaigns. What I didn't know (and still don't, since your helpful link tossed me to their homepage, which I found hours ago)is what advertising campaign she was refering to. Jonathan referenced "a novel SPECSAVERS advertising campaign targeted at a very specific audience". I was hoping he'd provide more detail.
Thanks, though, for your help. I love it when someone sez "try google". You are SOOOOO smart and I am SOOOO stupid.
What is the first word? Is that a person's name? Or is that some other urban lingo and/or teen speak of the British variety? Anyone?
Wow. Fonk you. I'm at an impass today. Don't know if I find it funny or just stupid.
I thought this was Jonathan's.
Eyebrows are the most important feature of a person's face. Perhaps not noticed when they are right, when wrong they are horrible.
Examples:
sparce hairs between them
unibrow
plucked too thin
plucked too far apart
shaved and drawn on
shaved and tatooed on
waxed into perfect arches
old men with long curly strays popping out or so bushy they cover the eyes
Basically the best advice is to stick with what nature gave you, and clean up the stray hairs without overdoing it. Then you'll look great!
This reminds me of fake love letters we'd write to friends in HS... To so & so, I want to caress your lovely rolls, your greasy skin reflects the sun so perfectly... etc... Hey study hall was boring..
Wandering: I thought Jonathan was just saying this FOUND was not a "real" Found but a clever advert for SPECSAVERS, aimed at semi-illiterates. Sort of like the "watch this space" billboards. My understanding was he was making a joke, not referencing a SPECSAVERS ad that actually existed.
is the first word "uzma"? or does it say "u2ma", like maybe it was addresses to their mother, and mother wrote them an equally insulting note first, and this was in retaliation? not a nice way to talk to your "ma" during the holiday season!
KC, you're right. Now I get it. Duh. (I guess I realy AM stoopid). I've been linking to Specsavers adverts trying to figure out which one he was talking about (they DO have clever adverts, though!)
Thanks! ;)
I do not think the author of this letter is girl. I think it is a gay or tranvestite man to the same. First of all, that really looks like a man's handwriting, and secondly "cocoa butter on ur mustache"? This definately from one queen to another.
Enough with the grammar police, and the cheap shot at googling the obvious...we're looking at a find written by a truly moronic bitch, and correcting each other's mistakes is just annoying. I thought there was some e-mail/internet etiquette that allowed for tolerance of the occasional lost apostrophe or typo. Granted I was an English major and hate to see our standards relaxed so people can type faster and communicate in this manner, but the find shows how there exists a sub-strata of some really dumb people that can only criticize the superficial flaws of their friends. We should unite in our elitism, not turn against one another. No comments on the fish, though? Between girls, I imagine them's fightin' words...
Sooooo mature--NOT. I don't think it's a joke, too much anger. I was thrown a note like this in HS...and the writer was covered with suppurating acne. Compared to that, I was pretty darn good-looking.
I much prefer "f*ck thou", or Shakespeare's version in Macbeth: "Aroint thee, witch!" which is Elizabethan for exactly the same thing. And sounds so much more graphic: "Arrrrrroint thee, wiiiiitch!"
Spam question assumes you know American history....a little ethnocentric, ya think? LOL (Sorry, rest of the world/universe! Basil's feeling a bit pissy today!)
I totally agree with Frank. I was not trying to be a bitch, when i advised that "wandering" should google specsavers. Just trying to be helpful. I guess it came across as condescending. Sorry.
Hey, Frank. if you 'were' an english major, then you are not, as Nightingale inferred, jailbait.. hmmmmm
Ozma? Hm, these are either some real inner city bitches, or trannies, or some real inner city trannies. Word.
sweet.
the author is yet another person in this world that I never want to meet!
cheers!
(to the rest of you, whom I DO want to meet, have a lovely, fonk-y day!)
Just to clarify:
1. It's Uzma. A first name mainly used in the Asian community.
2. Specsavers "you should have gone to Specsavers" campaign. Suggests she is wearing dodgy glasses.
3. Londoners sometimes pronounce 'th' as 'f' hence the last phrase "fank you" meaning "thank you".
4. The use of ebonics is no less valid than any other dialect of the English language. Would you suggest to a Liverpudlian that they were not speaking properly? Not unless you want a couple of black eyes for Christmas.
From your friendly resident Cockney.
I fank you.
Kiki is 100% correct... and to you yanks, "asian" doesn't mean "chinese or japanese" but "indian or pakistani." so basically, the recipient of this note is probably a pakistani girl named uzma whose friend/enemy is teasing her about having a stereotypically pakistani hairiness about the face. also note that poor people in the uk have to make do with NHS (national health service) provided glasses, and it's a sign of status to be able to afford decent specs at specsavers.
ta chuck
Thanks for the details on how you English people do things and how hirsute you are. Mona, I'm well past barely legal, fonk you very much.
If Uzma is a girl's name, and the author is cracking on her about facial hair, why oh why is she advised to coco butter her mustache instead of waxing it/removing it?
If I may answer you Lost, my guess is that this was a not so thinly veiled reference to the fact that she *has* a moustache which is usually a very unattractive trait for a girl to have. This especially stands to reason if Kiki is correct and she is Asian since most of us dark haired girls suffer from this affliction. ;o)
Sorry Lost, that is what I get for trying to type a coherent response when I'm sick and on strong medication. (smile)
Maybe the cocoa butter means that she has an "ashy" lip.
Got to agree with Frank. The author is using "bad grammar" for effect, that is he or she thinks it's cool to spell you as u and that as dat (very hip hop).
I was initially annoyed with all the people suggesting this might be some gay guy's note. How dare you stereotype and all that. But it could very well be, and this, along with a variety of other annoyances, is one of the things that's frustrating for me as a gay dude who, gladly, doesn't fit in.
hey, was I the only one looking for the rhyme? It had a little beat going there for a second. Sort of roses are red kinda thing. However, hard to rhyme specsavers?
Wish we knew what was blacked out! Whatever it is, it is probably the key to solving the puzzle of who was the author.
btw fanks tori for the "ashy" reference. Takes me back to the eighties in public school when we'd call each other's moms "ashy".
I really thought this was going to be a mean spirited poem as well...I wanted it to rhyme and perhaps end on a good note...like 'I love you anyway.' I think it's all this holiday happiness!
AHAHA, this reminds me of so many people I know who like to talk like chavs and gangstas. I was born in Crouch End (blud!) but now I live "dan south", and it's quite shocking to realize how illiterate some teenagers are. Da yoof of 2day r gunna speek lik dis in da fyootcha. I dunno y dey fink it's gunna get dem respek from ofers!
tres bien find anyway.
Whatever was crossed out starts with a "p", has a "g" toward the middle, then a letter follwed by another "p". Looks like the word may end with a "d". Any ideas there?
Surely, Eyebrow Critic, eyebrows are not THE MOST important feature of one's face. Surely, that would be, oh I don't know, THE EYES! Without which the brows are just some random hairy bits framing ... well, nothing! And don't attack eyebrows as awnings, they are useful and visually appealing to people who like awnings. That said, Uzma doesn't sound like a prize. She smells of fish, needs shaving (where?), requires spectacles, has dry lips and unkempt facial hair. She would be right at home here in New Zealand.
FONK YOU?!?
kiki n j r n becky - fanx! u sed it all.
kc ['My understanding was he was making a joke, not referencing a SPECSAVERS ad that actually existed.'] -- u got it.
uzma = person's name
Specsavers = cheap spectacle manufacturers[don't go there, go to Dollond & Atchison's instead, much better service]
Jess, when can i move to Lewes?? i luv sussex!!
Sarasara -- cheers, bless u. Fonk u2!
I'd rather have chapped lips and bad brows than stink like fish.
Maybe they're referring to this:
http://www.texasbeautysupplies.com/pal7892.htm
???!?
I think it's very amusing how all of you people have tried so hard to analyze this note and where it came from. Remember: the reason it was written and the content therein is only entertaining because it is a mystery. Stop speculating and just enjoy it for what it is.
-Sara
Sara in Benton AR. Speculation is half the fun. Trying to analyze it and where it came from is the other half. We are enjoying it for what it is.. I don't get what you're on about.
I thought it said "funk you".
Funk you is much more exciting.
Let's dance.
Oi Kiki, not all Liverpudlians will give you black eyes for sugesting we don't speak properly, personally though, I reckon scouse is alot easier to grasp than cockney!
Proper boss la.
it used to be fun to read the comments. but its the saaame 60 something motherfuckers, every day racing to be first in this lame community you have formed. whatever, some are actually just plain ol comments. but i hate the sappy ones who apply the notes to their own pathetic lives..." oh, that reminds me SO much of myself..." "oh, i could have written that note..." "oh, thts me all over" god, shut the fuck up, stop being so grandiose. quit searching for some deep meaningful connection between yourself and a fucking scrap of paper. nobody cares how a note touched you.
I find all these comments about ebonics pretty annoying. If any of you were at all familiar with ebonics, you would know that there is nothing at all in this message that is remotely ebonic. All those 2's, u's and the sole "dat" is more a usage of short-term that people have adopted for tech communication - texting, IM, etc. It's racist to assume that just because someone is not particularly literate that they are speaking ebonics. Moreover, for the ironically poorly educated SuzyQ - no one is teaching ebonics in the schools. That was a proposal in the early nineties that received such an uproar that it was immediately scrapped. Jesus, the underlying racism in some of these notes is fonking infuriating.
Yay oh shut up and pissed! Well said, well said. Except for the searching for some connection part. But I could definitely do with some less sharing. Ooo.. ding ding get in the ring!
How do you sort out your eyebrows?
you put all the left eyebrows on the left side and all the right ones on the right.
Your put your right eyebrow in, you put your right eyebrow out, you put your mustache in and u shake it ow about...Do dat Hokey Pokey, man, dats whut iz awe aboot....
Remember to Honk when you go by Vern FONK! (fonk you, vern.)
what is everyone doing on the internet in the first place, if not looking for connections between our own realities and the bigger picture?
I'm just the wrong side of 40, thank you very much, Idiot. If you don't like the comments, don't read them. Your life will become very free. You can always find someone else's sandbox to pee in. There's a whole world out there.
baby basil.. which is the wrong side of 40? i dont know if i'm on the wrong side, or the right side??? oh no
Ozma... you've hit the nail on the 'ead, there.Looking for connections between our realities.... and other realities...
I agree with shut up and pissed off. It's like a diluted myspace here sometimes with no pictures and music. The same people with the same names comment and converse about their families. I can see making a comment about what part of your life the find reminds you of. There's some interesting comments that come from that. But when you go on and back and forth about your pregnancies and your room mates it's really kind of weird and un- indie to me. I think when it gets to that point, you should announce " I have more to say about how this relates to me.. a lot more. Meet me at myspace so everybody else doesn't have to read through my crap to get to the interesting comments. "
"But that's just me", do you have a MySpace so we could read your ideas there? :)
Shut up, pissed off:
Get a grip. You obviously lack social skills, because anyone who possesses them knows that when a group of people converge no matter if it's in person, or on the computer they will inevitably chat. It's the nature of the beast. This isn't an exclusive arena either. If you Google almost any word on USENET and you'll see it's an ongoing battle.
lets make up some rules about what's acceptable to post, and what's not acceptable. That will make this more fun.
:-/ (sarcasm face)
even with the thank you/fank you clarification, i'm still going to yell "fonk you" at someone during the holidays.
Hey, But that's just me.. wanna know what I've noticed? I've noticed that if people happen to mention that they have a myspace, they either get slammed for "shameless self promotion" or "attention getting". Either that or some Cultured Person, who wouldn't dream of participating in something so pedestrian as Myspace, insults the others for having one. It might not happen all the time, but I've seen it more than once.
In my opinion, it's all about relating. And we all relate to things differently. If one looks at a Find and relates to it personally, like it reminds them of something in their own life and they feel like sharing it in here, great! Others may or may not be able to relate to their comment, and that's ok.
It's like when you're having lunch with a small group of friends or co-workers. One will tell a story, and then everyone takes turns relating to it in one way or another. Some will try to "best" it, some will offer advice, some will quietly listen, some won't listen at all and just wait for their turn to interrupt and take the floor. There's all kinds of ways to relate to each other. You may not like my tone of voice, or I may not appreciate your lack of compassion. One may tell an off-color joke, another may complain about that joke. It goes on and on. We're humans having a conversation of sorts online. If we're respectful of our differences-good or bad-the cool "indie" thing this is won't fade.
The bottom line has got to be Respect.
Yes! Thank you, Nightingale.
I think most of the regular commenters are emotionally invested in FOUND and actively spread the word about this site to their friends, buy FOUND books and magazines as gifts, promote and attend FOUND events, submit their own finds to FOUND and otherwise do what they can to help this amazing endeavor flourish. I do. I enjoy reading all the personal details that people include in their comments, and I particularly like seeing the same people post regularly. The comments section includes a community of people who share great enthusiasm and fondness for FOUND, for the people who started it and run it, and for one another. And for those who aren't interested in joining in or are bored or put off by some of the personal content, it's easy enough to skim quickly through the comments or to skip them altogether. Relax. Enjoy (or don't). It's all OK.
Exactly. Well said, Crisis.
Thank you, Nightingale and MC.
You two dear people, I couldn't have put it better myself -- thank you.
Re 'I have more to say': yes, I've certainly noticed it as a UK snobbishness thing. Silly, as I'd love to get to know some of my 'real life' friends better on line.
Orinoco, I hope you're still digging. My New Year Resolution is to meet up with you at last!!
Wow, where's the reason for the season on this comment page?
JC, it's here. Did you read the last half dozen or so comments?
Happy Birthday, my Lord.
haha, this is a brilliant find.
this seems a lot cattier than the play bitch fight notes me & my friends used to write each other in class..
as for the scribbled out last line.. if it was still linking cocoa butter to unsightly hair (to soothe after hair removal) i think it actually originally said "use coco butter on ur pussy pubes!"
niiiice!
Not many things better than poems written in anger. I <3 it.
Hahaha this so funny.
I'm from round finsbury park and it sounds like one of the conversations you hear between teenagers on the 29 bus.