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April 06, 2008 |
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He Has the Contacts
FOUND by Erik Nielsen
in Oxford, UK
We've had this posted up in our office for several years now, and only discovered your website recently. I found it on the pavement just up the street from my house while walking to my car. It wasn't attached to anything, so maybe the culprit got away with his intended burglary. We wonder how he's doing these days...
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Palm Man July 09, 2005 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
First post! w00t!
Also: "Burgle" is a great word. Tickles the throat.
Interesting handwriting.
Reminds me of the guy who'd had his car broken into, and all his Grateful Dead bootlegs stolen.. he just KNEW that he'd run across the thief, selling bootlegs in the parking lot of the show.. just KNEW IT. And when he found the guy, he and his "goon brothers" were gonna fuck him up!! He had all the time in the world to find the guy, too!
I wonder where this note was originally posted. On the writer's house/car? Strange.
Was this written w/ a calligraphy style pen tip?
Looks very artistic for a threatening letter.
It almost sounds like this is to a specific person? Love the handwriting. It's so incongruous with the message.
It kind of looks like this note needs a shave. It has stubble.
(NO! don't succumb to the dominant paradigm!)
Freakin' awesome find! Thanks for sharing!
I don't think a person can be burgled, only a premises. Not to split hairs, maybe this person felt it was quite a personal thing to be robbed and it certainly goes along with the very personal tone of the note. I am often a bit bewildered that there are people in the world who talk like this. It is not as if I have led a sheltered life, just that I don't know anyone personally who is a member of the 'mob'. It's very Tony Soprano, is it not?
This is bluff. If he is burgled by a random burglar, there's no way he's going to find the criminal and retaliate.
Sad, like those 'To the person who stole...' notes. Or a 'Don't kick me' sign.
Jonathan's right. If this person were as tough as they say, they wouldn't have to say it in a note. That's what a rep is. "I have contacts," hahahahahhaaaaaaa. Obviously they don't. Talk about posturing!
If this is a note to a specific person, even moreso. If the writer "had contacts", they wouldn't have to threaten; they would just bespeak the "f'ing up" with no messing about. If it's a note stuck to a window of the car/house, the writer is just pathetically trying to shore up their own feelings of inadequacy.
while i would like to play the game (and i may later), i have to relate this story.
when i was a kid, we moved to a house we bought from a guy who had built another house for his family across the street. our families became great friends. one night my parents and siblings were all out, and i was home alone (probably one of the first times i was left alone) and the phone rang. when i answered it, the voice on the other end said, "i am a burglar and i am going to come burgle your house." i freaked out and hid in my room until my dad came home. when i told him the story, he just laughed and called back the guy across the street. it was the first and last time i'd ever heard the word "burgle" until now.
damn, i miss you, gene. even if you did stuff like prank-calling me at 10-years-old or calling my name out in the middle of a high dive so i'd look up and subsequently belly flop into the pool or convincing me that baker's chocolate was a really great treat.
Hey, I can't make this one of my favorites, but it is. This guy is serious. I like that.
Oops, now it works.
Snuffles the pirate hedgehog says : Could he paint a bigger bull's eye on himself / his things ? Target Target !
Ah yes maybe he wants us to burgle him though keep us from noticing the foolish around him who use no locks and trust so quickly....
Who am I kidding this guy is just a paranoid Hufflebutt.
i would *SO* put this on my store room at work, from where everyone happily helps themselves to my beloved sharpie markers when i am gone... leaving only the green ones. nothing worse than a green-hater-sharpiemarker-thief-with a master key.
lars, i like your story.
When I was 16 I had a teacher (an artist/mentor at an arts summer camp, actually) who taught me, "You only tease the ones you love."
Where is Gene now?
Green is my favorite colour, so it wouldn't be me!
Wrye, check out the next find - it's your Sharpie burgler I bet.
@ clover: gene's been gone for many years. i don't think of him often, but seeing something like this find can make me feel like he passed away yesterday.
I've been burgled too many times and some with really bad consequences. I know the location gave my home more value, but gentrification wasn't safe for me and my family. I love your story lars and I love the word burgle.
Just have to say that the response to my "Louise" posts yesterday were very gratifying.Thanks to everyone who read them and was Freaked out. Though it was not my intention to scare, you can't always control the response of the readers. :)
I have no idea how this turned into a story, that wasn't my intention either. I just meant to expand a little on the stream of conciousness of yesterday's Find. Oh, the power of 'Zooms! (With prodding I might just be willing to finish what I started.)
@Jonathan Who is Ancient Vivi?
If you bugle me you are a dead man.
I know Boy Scouts and have all the time in the world to find you.
On my honor I will do my best
to do my duty to G-d and my country
and to kick your ass if I have to.
oh yeah, curious, that's what we're talkin' about. get the game going! well done!
Lars, I too liked your story.
The end made me giggle b/c my cousin, brother and I once tried baker's chocolate after excitedly discovering it in the cabinet. Big mistake!
(((Here's a big bear hug for Smallbear.)))
Ancient Vivi is my hero!
Searched for Ancient Vivi on anwsers.com and this came up: Vivi learns that her Mother has left Istanbul to authenticate and ancient scroll that may or may not be a Torah taken to China during the 1400s.Later, Vivi over hears a whispered conversation that convinces her that Mom has been kidnapped by Shari's brother a Palestinian terrorist.
Also this came up:
The word "Nefertari" in Vivi and her father's name is ancient Egyptian and means "the Most beautiful" or "Most wonderful" , it was a word often used to describe Egyptian queens and princesses.
Had to try and find out myself since no one else has given me an answer. Looking over the above I seem to still be w/o an satisfying answer.
Thanks Nightingale for the bear hug!!
Smallbear: the answer to Ancient Vivi is closer than you think.
Smallbear, all you had to do is search the Found archives. Here's the link:
http://www.foundmagazine.com/find/1881
Wow, Night, you're so much nicer than I am. I was hoping Smallbear was going to have to work this one out on his own.
Do you think Ancient Vivi is watching?
Tang: my condolences about your Tarheels getting their little butts kicked yesterday.
Thanks, Lars. What have you got for us?
i'll play if night plays...
Here Lars:
"WHAT NOT TO PUT ON YOUR RESUME"
IF YOU HIRE ME
YOU ARE A SMART MAN.
I HAVE THE CONTACTS AND
ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD
TO WORK FOR YOU.
FUCK WITH ME AND I'LL
DO A LOUSY JOB AND FUCK UP YOUR BUSINESS.
YOU BETTER HIRE ME.
okay, but it won't be as good as y'alls...
IF YOU DATE ME
YOU ARE A DEAD MAN.
I HAVE THE CLAP AND
ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD
TO INFECT YOU.
SLEEP WITH ME AND I'LL
ENJOY IT BUT FUCK YOU UP.
YOU BETTER DUMP ME NOW.
n.b. this is NOT one of those times when i reveal myself. okay?
Hahaha! Au contrare, Lars. That was quite well done.
@Kat: Poor Smallbear has worked hard enough. Give the cub a break.
And I hope so. (((Hugs to Vivi)))
Aha!So I'm some sort of video game magician, Am I!??! Watch out Curious Kat, I might just turn you into a some sort of squashed kitty for wishing that I would have to figure this out on my own. After eating all those mushrooms, this bear's tired and not feeling very logical and so probably would not have figured it out on my own. So thanks Nightingale. :)
Smallbear, have you seen that old movie, The Bear (I think it was a disney movie- live action, following a bear around..?)
In one part the bear consumes some shrooms, and doses his little bear brains out. That's really the only part of the movie I remember. Probably saw it 15 years ago.
Good job, Night and Lars.
Meant no harm, Smallbear. I would have given you more clues along the way. But I might not have felt entitled to give you the answer directly. That job was better suited to Night.
I bet even a small bear could make dinner out of a little kitty in no time. I'll be good. Promise.
Cheers!
Smallbear, you're cute but make no mistake, you're no Ancient Vivi. Go take a nap, cubby.
The bear was a great movie still brings tears to me eyes every time I see the begining way sadder than Bambi.
Night in gale you're right I'm no Ancient Vivi, I don't need magic or even mushrooms to do what I do.
Glad you understood my point Curiouskat, the name Smallbear is no mistake. I may look nice and cuddly and most of the time I am very friendly, but like a small bear, you don't want to get me mad. That said, I don't have any problems with you Curiouskat. :)
@ the captain, no I've never seen the movie "The Bear". I prefered the documentary "The Grizzly Man" where the bears eat the protagonist and his girlfriend at the end.
Thanks CuriousKat. My condolences for whatever in your life you may need condolences for.
Thanks,Tang. My team (Badgers) got their butt beat last weekend by a ten seed (Davidson). Big time ass kicking. It was disgraceful.
If it makes you feel better my daughters have their roots in NC and are huge Tarheels fans. They were crying in their beers last night.
Too bad for you that I don't know how to read.
"BURGLE" is now my fave new word!!!
Ummm, the bear does'nt "eat" the grizzly man and his girlfriend... The bear mauled them when it attacked the girl and he tried to beat it with a stick. A tragic documentary about a troubled man who was turned from society and tried to build relationships with animals that did'nt have the capacity to understand. It wasnt his fault or the bears, but the people who put him through hell and torment. Course their was one hilarious scene in there where he was concluding his stay in the park and just wanted to say that he loved animals, but decided to go off on a rant against the park service cause they would no longer allow him entry to that part of the park (for his and the bears safety). He was a master of the rant, truly awe-inspiring.
"The Grizzly Man" was a disturbing film for lots of reasons. Most immediately because of its totally flat mode of narration (I'm not easily bored, but I was bored). It reminded me of another, even more creepy human/animal relationship from MacGillivray Freeman's "Dolphins" omnimax film from a few years ago. It featured a buff blonde sponge diving man who established an unnatural relationship with a dolphin in the Bahamas. When he has to take a trip for a few days they show his forlorn gaze out of the airplane window, with his voiceover describing how intensely he misses his daily swims with "his" dolphin. I think it would be as cool to swim with dolphins as the next guy, but this nut crossed some inter-special boundaries.
But on the find, I see no incongruity in the penmanship and the tone/content of the note. This is not your grandmother's calligraphy. Calligraphy pen it may be, but those are the routine tool of today's taggers, keeping the art of handwriting alive with their urban styled scripts. The artful style of the writer's pen quite impresses me. And it makes me fear him more. Maybe because I read him as not such a brutish thug -- perhaps more erudite and capable than most bullies.
I would not burgle him or his loved ones.
@Kira: how much difference is there between eating and mauling? And don't you figure that the bear did digest a few chunks of Treadwell and his girlfriend? I suppose your point is that it wasn't a "senseless" bear attack, but I would argue that the same "sense" (read: instincts) function in a Kodiak bear whether eating or mauling. Preservation and protection of the bear's own life is at stake in either case. I wouldn't fault a bear for trying to eat me or to maul me. That's what's s/he's supposed to do when someone encroaches upon his/her life, even when the trespasser happens to be complex mammal with a DV recorder.
Maybe our point is the same: don't vilify the bear. But I don't want to honor the bear by making the act to be heroic or laudable ("in defense of the Bear Nation!") either. Instead, I would like to de-valence the attack as neither evil nor virtuous. It was just a bear doing what bears will do. If someone is in a position to be valanced, it is Treadwell. He's either an idiot or a saint.
Smallbear, this is when Ancient Vivi became a 'real' person (and a lot of other things started happening that day too):
http://www.foundmagazine.com/comments/2223
The writer should probably use his contacts to find the guy and give this note to him, instead of posting it and waiting for the guy to come burgle him again.
I like the person's handwriting..