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October 10, 2007 |
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Baby Jesus
FOUND by Marty
in Seattle, Washington
My wife found this posted on the bulletin board in the lobby of our apartment building. Who says the Christmas Spirit is dead?
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Hand in Mouth January 02, 2006 |
Good Meat January 19, 2003 |
Brusha Brusha Brusha! May 29, 2005 |
Give Craig Money October 01, 2005 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
» We're hopping on a plane and jetting to Europe for our Fall 2008 Euro Tour!
» Join Peter Rothbart for his mini-tour of the Pacific Northwest
I think the manager is one of the three Wise Guys. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
Not to be too anal and picky, but I don't feel that things "found" on bulletin boards are very authentic. It's not the same as finding a mysterious note on a street, or a bizarre photograph in the folds of an old, yellowed book. Don't get me wrong - this note certainly is amusing, but I don't think it really fits in the "found" category.
I think the part of this find that is the most amusing is that this person found Christ. I think it's a pretty good find.
Contact Manager for Christs Return. lolz
Night in gale and ( in sane ), your "in"-jokes (ha-ha, ha-ha) are both quite excellent. And Wise Guys... man. That Christ's Return bit really brought out the puntasticality in you people...
Does this work?
all those people who have been waiting for christ's return will be so pissed off when they find out that all they had to do was contact the management.
Christ walks into a hotel...
(stop me if you've heard this one)
He hands the innkeeper three nails,
and says:
says what Tucker???
There's nothing worse than a joke without a punchline, no matter how lame it is.
And I too, loved the bit about contacting the manager for Christ's return.
PL: "Can you put me up for the night?"
...'can you put me up for the night?' (I presume).
puntasticality... good word. What does it mean??
Christmas already, and it's only October. *sigh*
Hang on... If you were the manager of the apartment building and you found a wee dolly baby in a cradle thing, how would you know it was Jesus? Unless it had a wee halo. Or it performed miracles.
Reinds me of the (true) story of a girl who went into a jeweller's shop to buy a crucifix, and the shop assistant asked 'Did you want the kind with a little man on it?'
Ah, these pagan times.
(in sane): judgen not.
If it's good enough for Davy and Jason, it's good enough for us.
Maybe it was one of those plastic all-in-one baby jesus and manger combos. That would be pretty identifiable, even without the rest of the figures.
too funny! this sets an interesting tone for the rest of my day . . .
Now this is my kind of find. Nice One! I think it's more of a ransom note as if to say: "We have your baby jesus, and if you want him back unharmed, please call to negotiate a price."
Where I am from (KCMO) nativity scenes line the landscape at christmas and in high school we always wanted to go around and remove all the baby jesuses. Funny. I wonder if it is one of the glowing ones that lights up. Those are so cool, I want one for my room.
This find marks the official beginning of the Hallothanksmas* shopping season.
*credit James Lileks for the coinage
I drove by an outdoor nativity scene one christmas and there was a cat sleeping in the crib with baby jesus.
So Jesus got some that night?
He once was lost but now he's found.
"Blue Star- I mean Blue Light Special on baby Jesus today in aisle 12 "
This reminds me of that line in "Steel Magnolias" where the women have decorated Truvy's house within an inch of its life with really tacky Christmas decorations, and Anelle says: "I went to the fire sale over at the Baptist bookstore, and I cleaned them out of Baby Jesus-es from the mismatched manger scenes!" (And then used them to make Christmas wreaths...shudder).
I think a baby Jesus would be identifiable, even without the halo, or manger. He'd be wrapped in swaddling, for one thing, most babies are nekkid. With no genitalia (not to suggest that the baby Jesus would have genitalia. That would be just wrong, in christendom. no babies with genitalia allowed)
when i was little, i had a boy baby with genitalia. I coloured his little penis with pen... tee hee hee. My mom got it for me from Holland. My sister had the girl baby.
Jan - I read Lileks too! What are the odds?
Wouldn't it be great to have a string of lights with chile peppers, pumpkins, turkeys, pine trees, and a few starts of David all mixed together? Hallowthanksmas indeed. Shoot, throw in a couple crescent moons.
Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin' grace. When you say grace, you can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.
Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, don’t even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent. We’d just like to thank you for all the races I’ve won and the $21.2 million, LOVE THAT MONEY! That I have accrued over this past season. Also due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates I mention PowerAde at each grace, I just wanna say that PowerAde is delicious and it cools you off on a hot summer day and we look forward to PowerAde’s release of mystic mountain blueberry. Thank you, for all your power and your grace, Dear Baby God, Amen
Oh yeah, and some mistletoe. (And that was supposed to be 'stars'.)
Am I the only one who's been asked if I've found Jesus? I didn't even pause to think that they were asking a literal question. Huh.
I Love Furr Christs!!!!
*another Lilik's fan. The odds are getting weirder...
If you added the Star of David AND cresent moons to the ligt mix you could call the season:
Hanuhallowthanksmasandan
I did try to be at leeast a little politically correct... I put The Jewish and the Muslim reference on oppisite ends of the word.
One of our neighbors' baby jesus was stolen a few years ago. It was part of a plastic display that was lit from inside. Mary, Joseph and baby glowed from within. But the glowing baby disappeared the same night hundreds of Christmas displays throughout the neighborhood vanished.
The neighbors replaced the lit-up jesus with a doll. Ever since, Mary and Joseph glow, but the baby lies in darkness on his plastic hay.
That same Christmas we had two white lighted deer on our lawn. A couple of times we came home to find them "mating" in the front yard. Then one morning I went outside in the dark to get the paper, and they were gone.
Our deer and baby jesus were only a few of the casualties. Other neighbors and police discovered the teenage culprits -- cheerleaders and football players who had been out joyriding in a pickup truck and pulled a "prank." That's what the girl's parents called it - and they were mad because she was suspended from school, and she would lose her scholarship to West Point. (They were not mad at their daughter, but at the neighbors who turned her in.)
Thousands of dollars worth of property was stolen and distroyed that night. Some of it was returned to the owners. I saw our deer on a lawn a couple of houses away from the cheerleader's house, but we never got them back.
Every year I keep hoping another lighted baby jesus will appear; maybe those people will find one on ebay. That doll in the dark just doesn't do it.
Sean!! Was it YOU??? I want my deer back too!
Jonathan, that's so funny, the kind with the little man on it...now i'm goin' to work laughing....
this reminds me of the time somebody left a small plug-in baby jesus in a manger in my garden because we didn't have any decorations out for christmas. i think the funniest part is that my family is jewish, but it's nice to see that some people still care. or just have a bunch of extra baby jesuses.
Yea Clover, I'm still laughing at Johnathan too.
My moms has one of them little table-top manger scenes, every year we take out the baby jesus and put him face down in the mud behind the stable and then put one of the baby goats in his place, makes everyone else look all satanic.
Rex, too funny. I'm gonna vandalize some nativity scenes this christmas just like Rex Winsome. Can't wait!
Turbo, You crazy!
When my now-30-year-old son was little, he loved to play with the figures in our tabletop nativity scene. He called them his "Jesus people." He would take the baby Jesus figure to preschool with him every day. He never lost it at school, but I did worry that we might have to try to find Jesus someday. Now I know that I needn't have worried. I could have called "the manager."
Love to see other Lileks fans here! But only Jan is the real deal, as she is in Target buying the autumn-themed Bounty paper towels and fretting what to do with the summer-themed ones she bought too many of.
I wish it were just that easy...contact the manager for Christ's return.
Sean, I just read your comment. Yes, Baby jesus got some. Ouch! all I can think of is that scratchy tongue.
what do you do with those seasonally themed Bounty paper towels? is it ok etiquette to use up your supply? or should you put them away till next Hanuhallowthanksmaskwansaandan?
(added kwanzaa in there too, lets try to be fully inclusive, people)
Maybe you think it funny now,but someday when every knee shall bow, it will be very serious. And it will be too late to change then!
is there an exorcist in the house? i think chuck thinks we're blaspheming.
You all are going straight to hell! And you're all on Santa's naughty list, too!
No, it was not I who stole your beloved plastic child, but the thought may have crossed my mind. Ever notice that fetus rhymes with Jesus?
There is a band from Kansas City called "One Million Tiny Tiny Jesuses, perhaps they took it? Chuck, dude don't take this stuff so seriously, if you were truely confident in your faith, then it shouldn't bother you to hear other's sacreligious ramblings.
This whole business bowing on knee to some guy I don't even know exists seems pretty far fetched. Although I have heard he has great weed.
Sean S., I think you're stretching for that rhyme. You must be a rapper.
I hope Chuck is just fucking with us. Hey Chuck, no fundamentalist allowed! Sean, Jesus smoked hemp, at least that what my Baptist youth director used to tell us.
I know that youth director, we used to get high in the prayer garden at Glorietta.
I went to Glorietta. It's in New Mexico, they really do have a prayer garden. I can totally see smoking pot there.
In the winter I was 16, not long after my friends and I got our driver's licenses, we were the ones who stole the baby hayseuss from the manger... of a church yard, no less. Then, if memory serves, we nailed him to a makeshift little cross, and put him back.
There was a story about it soon after in the local paper, giving us our 15 minutes of secret, blaspemous fame.
The story was in the paper the next day
I like to picture Jesus wearin' a tuxedo t-shirt, because it says "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party." 'Cause I like to party, so I like my Jesus to like to party.
I know a couple who, when they got married, all of the guys wore tuxedo t-shirts. It was CLASSY!... in Indiana, I guess.
Why is my favorite thing about the Christmas season the plethora of opportunities for plastic baby Jesus heists? I never have stolen one, but just knowing I could, easily, if I wanted to, makes me happy. Is that weird?
Not all all, SuzyQ... not at all. Steal away.
So that is why I cannot find Him behind the couch anymore!!
Nativity scenes always remind me of my freshman roommate in college. When the church across the street from the dorm decorated for Christmas, she came rushing into our room, all excited, and said:
"Did you see the church across the street? They have a huge MATERNITY scene out front!"
I thought someone was having a baby in the parking lot!
Understand now why she wasn't my sophomore roommate?
The funniest part of it all...
Her Dad was a minister!
"Jesus will be doing this as soon as he can fit it in his schedule." Found 27:08
One day i was walking down a river path. I was looking for something interesting to bring to my wife. i came across a little opening in the side of a cliff. I went inside the cave and found a huge blanket. under this blanket was another blanket. under that blanket i found a baby boy. On his chest was tattooed Jesus. I to found a baby jesus. I brought this baby to my wife and showed her the writing. She said i was stupid and showed to me that it wasn't jesus it was susej. I was confused and left the baby in a dumpster.
I want to like this find, but the Manager's use of "fur" just irks me!
sheperd [sic] in the meadow, you are one sick puppy.
Job title: Manger Manager
Job description: Maintain the integrity of community manger scene and recruit disciples. Groom sheep. Fluff hay. Do not allow anyone to mess with or remove Our Lord, Jesus Christ. (Amen.)
I think "fur" is actually "for" with a very sloppy "o". If you look at the handwriting, there are joining issues within the letters.
And that's all I have to say about that...
A few years ago I witnessed someone steeling the baby Jesus from a manger scene in a town square. I wonder if the thief was the manager...
Midlife.... i love that.. perfect. and sheperd (sic), you're weird. lol
i love all you foundites. (foundians? foundese? foundish?) every single one of you has made me laugh. Either in a 'sheesh, that's absurd' kind of way, or a 'man, where the hell did they get their education' or... 'crap, they're clever, eh?' kind of way. Love y'all.
even you, pepper.
"Have I found Jesus... Don't tell me he's lost again!"
Dear little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my moma together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.
- Ricky Bobby
LOST: It is not my wish to be fulsome...but I adore you!
Oh, you made me laugh. The mental pic of someone grooming sheep and fluffing hay was priceless! Thanks for making my bad day better.
And FREON: You've got it in one, as usual.
i read "Baby Jesus!" as will ferrell would say "SWEET JESUS" when imitating harry caray.
the spam protection question is very fitting!
a friend of mine had her jesus stolen a few years ago. i found out later that the person who did it was their neighbor. ANOTHER friend of mine who doesnt like her. haha. they still have it at their house and plan on sending a ransom note this year.
lol, Contact Manager for Christs Return... it's been cracking me up all day!
So if we treat all managers as if they were god then Christ will return? I'd settle for a pay raise.
Cotton, the nativity scene IS a maternity scene. I love that. I'm going to call them maternity scenes from now on!
Ew sheperd, that's just weird. You should have sent it to Found.
I was stuck on a rollercoaster with a baptist group who wanted to know if I'd found Jesus. I felt persecuted.
Lost, I'm pretty confident that it does say "fur", not "for." If that's how the manager makes his o's, then it'd look like the note said "if you lust your baby Jesus..." which would actually be quite hilarious. But it doesn't. so those are U's.
Your job description is a riot!!
I seem to recall that some toy company in the seventies made a baby boy Joey, Archie Bunker's grand baby, with a little dolly pee pee. I didn't have one. I did have a little monkey toy with a very phallic banana in his hand,though. that comes close.
I think the baby Jesus's manager also manages the Sprouse twins' career, and also tried to manage Brittney's "return". (though I don't think anyone actually contacted the manager and requested that.) Didn't go so well.
Mona, you sound like you've taken some kind of opiate. Vicoden maybe?
Because you are too happy. WTF!
i'm picturing jesus in a big cardboard box marked Lost & Found, in the bottom drawer of the managers desk, just waiting for someone to notice he's missing.
just feelin the love, there pepper. vicodin would just put me to sleep.
December 20, 2006 On Deadline (USA Today)
Who stole baby Jesus?
There are reports this morning that 32 baby Jesus figurines that were stolen from nativity sets in Chicago have been recovered and are being returned to their owners.
The plastic pieces, many weathered with age, were found Saturday morning lined up and sorted by design in the yard of a parishioner of St. Symphorosa Catholic Church....
A church employee told the paper the woman who found the missing statues "was completely frazzled. No one usually wakes up to 32 Baby Jesuses in their back yard."
Carol Angiollo, whose baby Jesus disappeared, told the Chicago Sun-Times they may install a security system to protect the family's outdoor Nativity set. "I have a feeling my husband is going to wire something up," Angiollo said.
The local NBC station says police have "three wise men" on the case who are hoping to find the pranksters behind the thefts.
Unrelated: Nearly 80 garden gnomes snatched by a so-called gnome liberation group have been discovered -- apparently unharmed -- along the banks of a stream in France.
Please be sure to visit all three pages of the "Cavalcade of Bad Nativities" for some spectacular finds:
http://www.goingjesus.com/cavalcade.shtml
omg too funny!
This spring I'm planning to look for some gnome liberators along a stream in France.
Crisis, where do you come up with this shit? I think you may have stumbled on Chrome Toaster's moonlighting job. Hahaha
If only there were 2 more pages....
Clover, are you feeling ok?
omg I can't decide..."masterful details" or nativity belt buckle? poor baby waking up to find his loving parents replaced by a fat man in a red suit? poor baby waking up to a big scary snow angel with a bear peeking out of its pants? kids throwing bean bags at the holy family?
Thanks Midlife!
just a touch of the flu...
I really liked this find... till I read the comments. Some things are funnier before people go all religious/religious-bashing...
Midlife, the Cavalcade is friggin' hilarious! Thanks for sharing that.
This find reminds me of two things; Ricky Bobby (thanks for the prayer comments so I don't have to ;), and Moral Orel.
Jello, my mom was a substitute teacher at Hazeltine (among other schools) in the mid-1950s. I attended Gault Street Elementary (also in Van Nuys), 1954-1961. So you and I almost went to different schools together!
What gets me about the cavalcade is how much human effort goes into making those things. I mean, it's mind-blowing. The idea, the design, the materials, the labor, the shipping, the marketing. Then, people BUY them!?
I dunno, how about putting the same amount of effort into, say, photo-voltaic cells?
My yellow lab stole the Jesus out of the neighbor's manger and it made for some....tension on our street.
This year she'll probably hump the donkeys or the wise men and we'll be run out of town.
Good times.
Whoa! There's some old people here!
It takes some people their whole lives to find Jesus and now this person want to return him to wherever he came from. It breaks my christian heart.
I only WISH I had anything at all to do with the cavalcade of bad nativities.. Oh holy Bebby Jesus, that is the absolute funniest thing I've seen in a long time! (thanks, Midlife!) A church down the road from me actually displayed that giant blow up nativity scene last year. It was the most tacky display I've laid eyes upon. But lit up at night, it could be seen for miles!
It's. A. Lamp. roflmao!!
(Must have one of those tee shirts too: "wtfwjd?")
Dear Josie, God and the Bebby Jesus want us to laugh and make merry. It's true. Rejoice. Rejoice.
Dear Clover, I hope you are feeling better soon!
Hi Names, yes we are (old).
Hi Clover, me too -- touch of fluey bug -- it's travelled a long way?? Get well soon!
Hi Chrome, where ya bin? Hope you're OK too. xx
ViVi, where's the pic of the Donkey Sanctuary nativity??
If you want to know all about gnomes, including missing and travelling ones, it's all here:
http://www.gnomeland.co.uk//INDEX.htm
Love the cavalcade. Speaking of christmas check out http://www.southflorida.com/events/sfl-scaredsanta,
YES! free the gnomes! http://www.freethegnomes.com/
Speaking of absurd freedom and religious mockery. My favorite is epantsipation.
http://www.verysmallarray.com/?p=60
http://nysel.blogspot.com/
The Christmas spirit IS dead because your wife stole this flyer! Baby Jesus will never be returned to his rightful owner, now!
Mom sez to little Billy, "Young man, you have been so naughty today, I am going to ground you for a week! Now go to your room!"
Little Billy sez, "I'll pray to Jesus! He'll un-ground me!"
Mom replies, "You're so naughty even Jesus wouldn't help you!"
So little Billy goes to his room, takes the statue of the Virgin Mary down off his dresser, ties her up in twine and puts tape over her mouth, takes a Polaroid of her, and starts to write under the picture as it develops:
"Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother alive again..."
I would also like to add that my sister, in her early teens, shoplifted an entire nativity scene from the local Woolworth's, a figure at a time... and saved the baby Jesus for Christmas eve
it brings new meaning to 'he found jesus'
The manager apparently never went to a Catholic school- some kid must have taken baby Jesus for a ride in his little red wagon!
This is probably one of my faves. I love the "Christs return!!!"