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July 28, 2008 |
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Sincerely, Mary
FOUND by Pat Hunnell
in Bloomington, Illinois
Found outside apartment on Main Street.
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Shouldn't You Be... December 03, 2006 |
Season's Greetings August 13, 2005 |
Went to Cabin September 16, 2007 |
Always Imagine June 25, 2006 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
Mmm... friends, flowers and organic vegetables... exactly how I've always imagined Northern California.
Mary's handwriting looks like a font.
I like how she specified (geographically) physically close - just in case J is prone to misinterpreting.
When I first read it my mind fixed "freind" for her but when I glanced up at it again it was the first thing I saw. Odd.
This is sad (I appreciate the courage it took for you to write me but I won't be keeping in contact with you). You don't need her anyways J.
Mary, your honesty is underwhelming. "Let's do lunch."
I think Mary did the right thing. Obviously, for whatever reason, J is not someone she wants to reconnect with, and she made that clear, as kindly as possible. (Sounds to me like J was part of a "bad crowd" in Mary's youth, inspiring behavior she no longer wishes to engage in.)
What would y'all (Lindsey, J in the past) have preferred Mary say? "Sorry, you were a druggie in HS and are probably a druggie now and I don't want to associate with you, and I never really liked you anyway"? "Sure, I'll stay in touch!" and then fail to do so? Ignore the unexpected letter entirely, leaving J to wonder if it ever reached its destination and perhaps keep trying?
She responded honestly and as kindly as possible. A shared past affords no claim on a shared future.
I bet that song "Cruel to be Kind" was in the top 40 when Mary was in HS and she hummed it all the time she was writing this devastatingly honest screed. I suppose she feels all California-up-front, gotta be honest with ya here, about writing her intentions out instead of just not answering the letter. This way he KNOWS she doesn't care, instead of just coming to that gradual realisation.
"I'm living a simple life..." (ie so much better than yours, you loser.)
"An unexpected and exciting blast from the past" (but not exciting enough to want to renew the excitement. Or perhaps "exciting" in the French sense, as in upsetting. I have my life nicely planned out now and YOU are not welcome in it. Loser.)
"To be completely honest, I don't do well when it comes to keeping in touch"--with anyone who isn't right there in front of me. Because I blew out my short-term memory on drugs back in HS. My new friends take care of me, though, and I'm feeling much better now in my carefully-controlled environment. That's why I can't keep in touch with anyone outside who might let in a breath of reality!
Bronze medal in the Passive-Agressive Olympics, with a special mention for insincerity masquerading as "complete honesty."
I wish I had Mary's strenght. Really.
I wish if they showed up, I was able to tell them that I have try to turn a new leaf and try to fix my broken life. Went back to school. Meet a man that respect me. I have a house, small but beautifull.
I'm pass all of this. But I that doesnt mean i have the strenght to face it if it show up again on my doorstep.
But when you quit something and don't look back. Someone from the past just showing up? Thats always bads news.
Mary, i admire your strenght. I can see that you didnt knew how to say it. You probably tossed and tossed in your bed. Maybe you even felt guilty. Maybe you cried. I know I would. But the past is the past. You fixed yourself, it's good that you didnt let's them broke you back in olds habits again.
Won't be writing letters? This is the most articulate and precise letter that has ever been written. She has carefully chosen such choice words to get her point across. Thank you Mary for making English fun again.
My impression is that she really did become a different person and left that old crowd behind. Mary probably has kids that she doesn't want J blowing pot smoke at. I am sure J just broke up with his girlfriend, ran out of money for pot or shroom in to take away the pain, and was pining for someone, anyone at all. Mary loved me once... maybe she still loves me... I think I'll write her a letter to see how she's doing/see if she wants to start something up again. When J receives her response he decides to recycle the letter but when he takes bin out to the curb for pick up a big gust of wind kicks up and blows the letter in to the bushes of a nearby apartment complex.
http://foundmagazine.com/find/2874
Mary? Glad to hear you're getting it together.
I don't see this as passive aggressive at all!
I think Elizabeth has this one pegged exactly as it happened. Or maybe Mary clearly knows her weaknesses (addictions)and can't afford to expose herself to temptation.
Maybe Mary's words will sink in and J will get some help. If he does, maybe he'll find someone who loves him like he thought Mary did.
Oh, Mary. When you're done patting yourself on the back for your wonderful organic lifestyle and outstanding honesty, remember that maybe one day you, too, will try to reach out to someone, and they will disappoint you.
I'm writing a letter to say I won't be writing letters-- but by the way, I'm so fantastic and I have no time for you.
I think she want to be encouraging without sounding like she's interested in a relationship.
I don't get an "I'm better than you" vibe.
All of you that are saying that Mary was cruel. Why exactly should you let someone into your life who you don't want? If you write someone a letter does that automatically force the person who you wrote to become your friend. I think everyone has someone from their past who they like but have no interest in remaining in constant contact with.
How do you know J is a bad person? To me Mary should have given the friendship a try instead of blowing him/her off. She sounds like a real b*tch.
Good find! I think this is a good letter. Honest, but not unkind. I don't think it's passive aggressive at all. I've noticed a definite hang up on this board with passive aggressiveness. It's wierd. But then, a lot of times, (like this one) what many see as passive agressiveness, I see as people being polite in an awkward situation. So, I dunno, maybe I'm passive agressive too.
holy cow! i am mary!! this is exactly how i feel and what i say about old relationships. it's all i can do to maintain the few i've got (by choice), and i've no interest in trying to figure out what remains and what has changed in old ones. wow. you rock, mary.
live and let live, y'all.
@ Spy...
I think they had a friendship. Mary got away from it (because of school , job, move, whatever), and found that life was better for her without the partying.
I don't think she is saying J is bad at all. He's just living a life she doesn't want to.
Some people thrive as partiers and some thrive as quiet people. Mary found the life that makes her happy, and that's all.
@Tori, Politeness is not passive aggressive. I'm with you on this.
"It was accompanied by a resurgence of buried memories from a strange, stoned time. I've grown so far away from that teenager who I was."
Right there, J should of got the message. Mary is a now an uptight, miserable b*tch.
I understand we all grow up and do our own thing but is it so wrong to stay in touch with people from the past especially when you had such great *Blasts from the pasts* with?
Who knows, maybe she doesn't want anyone to know how she grew up and what she's doing for a living now?
I think Mary shouldn't have asked J what's going on in his life now? That'll just motivate him/her to write more.
Anyhoo, I really liked this FIND!
The world would be a much better place if people would and could speak their minds in the way that Mary did.
As is her choice, she didn't wish to rekindle any type of relationship with J and let J down easy. The "resurgence of buried memories" of "the teenager that I was" indicates that she has grown as a person and likes who she has become and has no desire to return to that other life.
Instead of just blowing J off and closing the letter there, Mary chats a bit, writing of her current life and the lack of any information provided by J in regards to his/her current situation. She is extremely gracious, accepting fault that she won't continue the correspondence and also letting J know that there will be no responses to future letters.
Acknowledging the courage it took to write the letter in the first place says Mary's put herself in the writer's position and realized the how desparate life must be for J to have contacted her; hence, the well wishes.
All in all this is probably the kindest rebuff ever written. Only those who have been similarly put off could find fault with this letter.
I'd love to buy Mary a carrot juice!
just the other day, here at work, one of the girls brought in some pictures of me and my sister at a birthday party of hers, when we were maybe 10 and 11. I have absolutely no memory of that.
I'm not good at keeping in touch with people either. Nothing against them, (its me, not you). I wish i were, but beyond the "remember me? we used to hang out" i have no idea what we'd talk about. I feel guilty, sometimes, about letting people go. (there are so many people i've let go, and regret it, but i dont know how to fix that.)
I get an honest vibe from Mary, if just a wee bit unkind.
mona lisa, don't worry about letting go of people in your life. It works both ways. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
http://tinyurl.com/6rosab
(Ok, let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya.)
I'm with girl in a cube.
And if I got this letter I'd think less of Mary for sure. Mary's a granola munching, Birkenstock wearing, hippie type jerk now.
People who eat organic vegetables are not to be trusted.
Woman of the World - thank you.
Its funny I actually had an encounter like this one recently. My high school sweet heart who was a blue mohawk sporting, spike bracelet wearing, obnoxious punk kid. Wrote me to tell me that he just got a divorce because his girlfriend got pregnant and that he quit his job because his boss was too "oppressive". He said he thought of how well I comforted him in high school and wondered if I was available now. I quickly remembered how much a jerk he was to me.
So, I responded much like Mary. My life is great; I no longer hang out and do stupid things with people like you. In the past ten years I gained a life. Sorry so much that you didn't. I don't plan on keeping in touch, but thanks for the letter anyway.
Of course, I said that with all the same pleasantries as Mary. It worked like a charm, I got no response. :)
"I'm living a simple life in Northern California abundant with friends, flowers and organic vegetables."
Most obnoxious sentence ever.
Y'all are really hard on people. I respect Mary a lot for how she wrote this. She takes on all the blame for not wanting to stay in contact for all good reasons, never resorting to any patronizing. Even if she did have a slight curiosity about rekindling a relationship, she is 2000 miles away from IL. I don't have tons of experience but I know long distance relationships are hard enough and starting a new LDR doesn't help at all (done both).
It would be interesting to hear the age of the criticizers. For me the idealist idea of always giving someone a chance and keeping people in your life forever died years ago. Different relationships warrant different replies, if any at all. Whatever kind of relationship she had with this guy, her reply was very graceful.
-27yo guy
I wish I had the courage to write a letter like this when I had the opportunity 25 years ago. It would have saved me and someone else a lot of heartache. You Go Mary!!!
I knew there was a reason I loved you, John.
Yaay! Alan's back! How was your vacation?
Some people just don't want to dig up and closely examine "the Past."
"the past is past for a reason" is a phrase that springs to mind.. No matter how much you loved someone back then (in the romantic, or strictly the platonic way) there's no way to make that someone care as much as you do (did)
La la la love
I tried too hard
And she tore my feelings like I had none
And ripped them away
.
.
.
.
la la la la.. she fuckin' Hates Me...
@ up to early...I hope that these two finds are connected, that would make sense of a slightly strange note.
I got the feeling Mary was bursting to write "DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN, YOU'RE CRAMPING MY STYLE. ORGANIC VEGETABLES DON'T LOOK SO GOOD NEXT TO A POTHEAD BUM I FUCKED A LONG TIME AGO." But in true Bree Van De Kamp stylee, she tried to convey as little emotion as possible through the most eloquent words.
@ suddenly realiz in g...Puddle of Mudd are so bad, but that song owns when you have some resentment to get rid of xD
Duh! The J is for Jesus!
Mary, who lives in the land of medicinal marijuana, could be in for a surprise visit when J gets her reply. She should have told him she lived in Utah.
An old teacher of mine put me in contact with a high school friend who now lives in Florida who I hadn't talked to in over 20 years. I apprehensively emailed her and we hit it off like old times. I even visited her when I was down there on vacation and now keep in touch regularly....so, you never know!
@suddenly & Jess---PoM are one of my favorites, give 'em a chance!
Puddle of Mudd has some pretty good songs, including "Psycho".
Poor J..its 20 years later and he's being rejected by Mary AGAIN!!Sorry..but that's the chance you take when you send cards to women you knew in HS..J..that's what classmates.com is for...
again, there's always something about Mary..
You don't know what J wrote her to begin with, maybe he/she wrote man I still love getting high and I was totally wasted and was thinking of you....
So maybe that's why she is so cruel.
...but isn't ahe writing a letter to say she isn't writing a let...oh forget it!
Cherry
Do you like my George Hamilton tan?
i'm about ten years out from high school graduation and quite a few from college... it's true, friendships fade with geography. in person they reignite where they left off, but with all the distance, time and place, people sort of give up, except when it comes to wedding invitations and baby announcements!
Oh, Dear Alan, I Dooo! I Dooo!
A in indiana, what part of Mary's letter was cruel? It seemed very civil to me. Just because someone wants to be included in your life doesn't mean you have to allow them in.
Alan, please smile so we can see you (with your Hamil-tan...)
Hamiltan? is that where you're from, Alan?
Just because a blast from the past sends a card or letter to an old friend (flame?) doesn't mean that they are trying to wheedle their way back into the recipient's life. Mary never suggested that was the case, and you guys are reading a LOT into the invisible card.
"Dear Mary, Hey, it's J!
How the heck are you? just thought I'd let you know I thought about you today and fondly remember all the good times we had! Remember when we kidnapped that dog, named him Moby Dog, and cruised the drag with him all night? That was freakin' hilarious! Anyway, hope all is well with you. take care! best regards, J."
A women-
I was trying to tell people why she was so cruel. I don't think the letter was cruel at all and I had friends who were I guess 'bad' and I don't think I would want to be friend with them if they mailed me and talked about all the things they still do.
Wow!
I love Mary's beautiful handwriting, beautiful words, and softly, yet honestly spoken distancing in keeping in touch.
Poor J though. She was probably his long-lost love and he researched her whereabouts and toiled weeks over whether or not he should send something. To get this in reponse? No wonder he dropped it.
She isn't trying to be rude at all, she is doing what she thinks the kindest thing to do would be. She lets him know she's doing well. but isn't really interested in rekindling everything, she doesn't string him along, or leave him wondering.
You go Mary for being an honest and straight shooter!
I wouldn't mind having more Mary's where I'm from, and a few less girls in cubes :|
I like this letter! It's nice yet straight to the point. I wrote a letter to someone one wanting to kind of reconnect in a non romantic sense, but alas never got a response, I dont even know if they got the letter eh anyways...
Move on J and find happiness! (but not in pill/drug form) :)
Ya know, I am not a very good letter writer even when it is my best friend that has gone to basic training 1,000 mikes aways, I miss him, but yet I can't seem to sit and write a simple letter he knows I suck and accepts this, Mary could be the same maybe she just doesn't write letters huh huh huh? Yay! You know I'm right! Mhmmmm!
Let's add 'Hamiltan' to the lexicon!
Squeeeeee! alan!! ... you've got the most gorgeous Hamiltan!!!
Oh yes, Mary is trying to be so polite but...I know too many of these Northern Cali neo-hippie types and the pervasive attitude is one of elitism and condescension. I agree with JodaBabes:
"I'm living a simple life in Northern California abundant with friends, flowers and organic vegetables."
This really is one of the most obnoxious and self aggrandizing sentences ever. Typical.
Perhaps J is just a lothesome Proletariate that Mary simply cannot allow to sully her sublime existence in NorCal. Maybe, just maybe J watches a little too much Nascar for Mary's taste and, *gasp* eats NON-ORGANIC vegetables, and that, my friends, is simply unforgiveable. Mary's life is FULL dammit and she needs no old friends because then it may just fill to overflowing.
How do you know that J.- is a guy? -- Where does it say what gender J is? Could be Jennifer, or Janelle, or Janine, or .... They could have been best friends, but not anymore.
I would be proud to be able to contribute a word to the Found lexicon! Along with asswhole, judgenmental and panty crickets, Hamiltan would be in good company.
Let's see....Try not to be too judgenmental of the asswhole with the Hamiltan. He's fighting a nasty case of panty crickets. (Not you, Alan--we all LOVE you and would never be judgenmental)
Polite? HA! This is about as subtle as a bloody club being used as the gavel to call to order a trial for the rights of baby seals. Why do many people assume J is a dude? Although it's not a bad guess, and more than likely they're right, how would it change your perception of this if it was just a female friend from Mary's past? Would it at all? I agree with the Steely D. poster above, just because someone says 'hi' doesn't mean he or she wants to once again bask in Mary's glorious and pesticide-free friendship.
You know what I speculate? I speculate Mary's got a graveyard in her closet and is coughing up bones whenever she tries to speak. J reminds her of the past she's tried to make break from, hence the 180 turn to organic flowers and angel farts lifestyle from spliffs-n-40s, she's the one with something to lose. Well good on you then, Mary, you hold on tight to those dreams, but you don't have to be such self-righteous prick about it.
Ugh. I'm with Rounder. I dont find Mary very polite or appealing. If she didnt want to write to J again, she could have written the same letter without the "To be honest with you..." paragraph. Without this paragraph, the letter would have been just as clear that she didnt want to keep in touch. But to say "I am not writing because I'm too lazy to write letters to people who live far away"...that just leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
J is better off without her! Telling J that she doesn't do well with keeping in touch with people who aren't geographically close sounds like a giant excuse for the real reason she doesn't want to keep in touch with him.
Yay Mary! I feel exactly the same way about high school class reunions. For me, it was an awkward 4 years that I don't care to reminisce about. I keep in touch with the few friends from HS I did have, and the rest of the class, well, I just don't care to go back there. I wish I would have had the foresight or wit to write this reply (though altered a bit, of course) to the reunion committee that insisted on sending me the relentless stream of emails to attend their reunion. Bravo, Mary.
I love Mary's handwriting - no loops. (I personally think cursive loops are ugly). And that underline under "sincerely" is really pretty. I even like her simple signature.
I'm with the, I guess, minority of people who think Mary sounds a little bit on the bitchy and condescending side. It's hard to judge too well not knowing the content of J's note, but considering Mary's statement that "you didn't say much in your card about yourself" I'm thinking J's note was just a short and simple "how have you been?" kind of thing. Assuming that, Mary's note comes off as the writing of an annoying, passive drama queen who was probably a much cooler person when she was younger.
Hey, Alan, have you ever seen the movie Code 46? (Tim Robbins and Samanthan Morton) I was just watching it, and Mick Jones is in the Karaoke club, singing Should I stay or Should I Go. Good Stuff.
I thinks its interesting how Mary spent nearly half her letter explaining why she won't be keeping in contact. Thats her decision and thats fine but it really comes across as kind of cold the way she explains it in length. She should have just left it at "I wish you the very best". If he tries to pursue more contact that Mary is not interested in she can then send him her feelings about not having time for him or ignore him all together.
"I do appreciate the courage it took to reach out..."??
Hmm. What about J's letter took courage to write? 'Hi, how ya doing? What have you been up to after all these years'? I seriously doubt it.
Sounds like J had something a bit more emotional to say, and Mary wasn't interested. I have a feeling that Marys' letter was the more tactful of the two, even if it was pretty blunt.
I wonder if everyone calls her "Mary Sunshine"?
Dear Mary,
I was heard that you had given birth to our 'love child' so I was really writing to ask you how he/she is/
Otherwise, you suck, bitch.
J
Lee in Philly:
How's this for a sample of J's "not saying much about yourself" note:
Mary,
I've thought about you every day for the last six years, and it's taken me six months to find your address. I can't get you out of my head. I miss all the fun we had together - remember that thing with the dog that reelin in the years talked about? God, I think about that night and how we laughed and my heart just splits right down the middle. Please write me, I need to hear from you, I miss you so much, I've looked into flights out to California and I can come out and see you - hey, I've always wanted to live in Cali for a while! I'll be watching my mailbox every day waiting for your reply. All my love always, J"
J has said nothing about him/herself, but given a distinctly "back away" vibe.
Here's why I admire Mary: First, I have had to do the same thing that Mary did. I am *truly* bad about correspondence, although there've been the "you know, I'm just not into you anymore" situations - like my best friend from high school. She converted to radical Christianity and married a man with a child from a previous marriage. A while later, they sent out a prayer request that the judge's eyes be "opened by the power of our LORD" to see that their refusal to surrender the child back to his mother after his summer visitation was the "Godly" thing to do, because the mother was not a Christian and her downstairs neighbor was - *gasp* - gay, and formerfriend and her husband weren't able to afford an attorney to petition for/challenge custody, so they had just decided to keep the child, aka parental kidnapping. She could not understand how I - a custodial parent myself - could possibly see anything wrong with this. "Her NEIGHBOR is GAY and she lets the son TALK to him when they pass in the hallway!! Can't you see this is a CRISIS?!?!" I stumbled and botched it horribly (much as I did this paragraph), so I can see that Mary handled it with grace and compassion.
Furthermore, I have been on J's side of the fence, too, and believe me, a simple, "Hey, got your letter, don't want to stay in touch, take care" would have been much kinder than the silence. See, I'm not sure if the "remember me?" letter I sent to my long-lost high school best friend ever reached her, or if it was just someone who happened to have her same - unusual but not unique - name. I know the "right" thing to do is assume that she got it, and isn't interested - and that's what I do. But the uncertainty still kills me, and it's been 15 years. My name's changed three times since then (married twice, legal "vanity" name change once) and she wouldn't be able to find me even if she were looking. I resolved to stop trying to "find" her a long time ago, but I know I'll still be wondering about her when I'm old, if she remembers me, if she just wasn't interested or if she thinks I forgot all about her and never tried to get in touch.
So, looking at it from BOTH sides of the fence, my hat's off to Mary.
(age, for guy who really should etc: almost 40)
Whew. I know, a bunch of "tl;dr"s are coming my way.
Anyway, apology for the long post and minor clarification: the two paragraphs refer to two different "best friends." I went to three high schools (military family) so I suppose I should be grateful there were only two.
Um, E? what are tl; drs?
Should I be giving you some? tell me what they are, and I'll send some your way.
Of course, it makes no difference what any of us think. What matters is J got the message and Mary feels good that she communicated her feelings respectfully (in her mind) and clearly.
Not always, but sometimes it helps to get over someone if you can be a lil pissed off at them.
(Gahhh. Can I wait another 15 minutes for tomorrow's Find? I'm sleepy.)
You can dooo it!!!!!!! (but can I?)
All I can say is you can see that all the money Mary paid out on that calligraphy course was well spent. That closing squiggle and signature in themselves cost about 20 pounds to learn to do.
The art of losing. Mary is the ultimate blow off artist. She will not be convicted in a court of law .
E:
You definitely have an interesting take on it and you could certainly be right, but I doubt J would have gotten into any "I should come visit you in California" comments like you suggest. The fact that Mary felt the need to mention that she lives in northern California indicates to me that J didn't know where she lived and J's card was probably forwarded to Mary from one of her previous addresses (presumably her parents' house since we're talking about a high school friend here). And I'm sorry but the "living a simple life ... abundant with friends, flowers and organic vegetables" comment makes her sound like an unpleasant person to me.
Always nice to see things from my home town (I am actually from Normal...but it's all in the same!)
@lee (and any and all who find mary's comment about livina simple organic life...etc) sounds me like you are all jealous.
DENIED... that's gonna leave a mark.
Smallbear: LOL
"Sincerely, Mary"
Not "Best wishes", not "Kind regards"; "Sincerely."
Burn!
This is very "Thanks, but no thanks". I just wouldn't have answered the letter at all rather than send this.
No, see, because then J wouldn't know just what a truly wonderful, abundant, organic life Mary's living.
P.S.: Yes, after all these years, I still have trouble spelling 'friends'. Thanks for asking.
~ Mary
Per webster.com:
passive-aggressive
Main Entry: passive–aggressive
Function: adjective
Date: 1946
: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)
I don't see these things in this letter. Maybe I am on Mary's side because I feel I should have written a letter like this some years ago. I didn't. So, the friend who wanted to get back in touch with me is in limbo, like e.
Perhaps not responding to the letter was passive-aggressive on my part. I prefer not to think about how cruel just ignoring actually was.
Hmmm.
'I wish you only the very best', not love or happiness or anything genuine or nice.
'I/me/my' count: 11
'You/your/yourself' count: 5
Q.E.D.
To my way of thinking,
Creepy count: 1 (mega)
I sign off with squiggles like that, but they're much nicer and they have a kiss hidden in the middle.