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October 14, 2008 |
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Attention Crappy Bands
FOUND by Kevin Carmichael
in Auburn, California
Pulled this off of a telephone pole in 2000 near a high school. I never contacted Neal, but my hunch is that he is living in his mother's basement to this day.
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Have You Discussed... January 30, 2006 |
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Party Party UK Stylee August 04, 2002 |
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We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
makes me wish I had a shitty band
Maybe we should start one.
I'm tipping Neal never heard a band he didn't think was shitty. The whole reason he went into studio engineering is because all bands sound shitty until he gets a hold of them and works his magic. Oh yeah, Neal is a mom's basement dwelling arbiter of cool.
I'm not Neal. I say again, I'm not Neal.
Pretty funny poster though.
hey, ya gotta start somewhere.
Yeah, sure, I've got all digital equipment, but even after 8 years I still haven't figured out how all that stuff works, let alone how to put it to use. Which is why I still have to hand write these bills instead of using a computer.
Oh, and some free, personal advice to any potential appliers: if your band actually is crappy, there's absolutely, positively nothing money and/or engineering can do to make you sound any better. Crap will still be crap no matter how neatly you dress it up. Go back to your rehearsal room and practice, practice, practice!
I love this one simply because I'm from Auburn and went to the high school where this was likely found (Placer).
Me n the boyz think our band, piglipstick, is already pretty cool and hope Neal can put us over the top, gigwise.
Ahhh, morning laughter. Thank you, FOUND, for bringing it.
This is what my grandma would have called "a lefthanded compliment."
Like caling someone an asshole before saying "you're so hot", one shouldn't try to base one's business on calling potential clients "shitty" and "crappy". No one likes to even think they are crappy, much less admit it to an unknown third party.
This guy undoubtedly wears plaid pants, white belts and shoes, and polyester sport coats.
@ baby basil: I always wondered whatever happened to Herb Tarlic.
This is awesome.
I have to say, I like this guy's brutal honesty. (I was in a crappy band once, but we never made it to the Neal stage.)
Ahahaha! Neal, my boy...ever wonder why you're the one taping these adverts to the poles?
This is hilarious!
$10.00 per har?? I'm there, dude!
Besides, we all know that the really hot chicks go for the sound engineers. You betcha.
@baby basil
that's what I love about this ad, so brutally honest; "look, you know you're shitty, I know you're shitty, I promise to make you sound the least shitty possible".
But Neal ISN'T that honest with himself, if he were really so good at what he does he'd be getting hired by GOOD bands. instead he has to put up hand made signs to beg crappy bands to hire him.
@Night in gale, I'm in. as long as I get to play the crappy base. chicks dig crappy base players.
I see a future for Neal in hand-painting the store front windows - usually in some combination of neon yellow, day-glo green and don't-shoot-I'm-not-a-deer orange - usually advertising Low, Low Prices! or 33% Off Tires or the like.
Also, good engineering goes a long way toward making a band sound good. Compare The Moody Blues on an album vs The Moody Blues live - even back in the 70s when the dudes could still hit the high notes.
@ Night in Gale:
Can I be the trumpet player? I've never touched one before but I'm sure his digital equipment can make me sound like I've played since I was in diapers.
Hello...sound mixing can make Brittney sound like her voice doesnt completely suck! Im pretty sure that her studio guy deserves a grammy just for that. Maybe Neal is just trying to rid the world of horrible noise...
...or he is a super pale basement dwelling magic player who weighs 120 pounds and has an awesome case of bacne...
Absolutely, baby basil! (BTW, I'm glad someone else has heard of the "lefthanded compliment" expression!)
Shitty bands take pride in their shittiness--"We're not pretty and we're not rich, we're gonna have to fucking work for it!" as Modern Life is War so aptly put it... There's something so much more honest about the DIY lifestyle.
Way to advertise there Neil. "Do you suck? Come to me and I'll help you not suck as much!"
Although, someone already said it above: if he's such a computer whiz (as he must be to make said bands suck less) why did he handwrite his sign?
@ Miss Scarlett - bacne! hehehehehehe! =D
At least Neal didn't let that marketing degree go to waste.
You have to wonder why Neal the Deal has all this digital recording equipment. I'll go with the obvious, which is Neal the Deal is now an old, spoiled-ass brat, who back in the day went out and got all this equipment expecting to change the world with his own shitty band and songwriting. When it didn't happen, he became jaded, bitter, and a real general asshole, eventually becoming so frustrated and broke he offered out his services really cheaply because a) nobody could stand to be around him and b) Neal the Deal is nowhere near as good as he thinks he is. Yep, seen it a hundred times before, I am conflicted by feeling extreme empathy and pity for this dude and still offended that he's such a douche. Oh Neal, if we do not have hope, we have nothing.
I'm not sure that this would be classed as a left handed compliment. He's pretty much coming right out there and saying you've got a shitty band. Not that i can think of a lefthanded compliment right now. Brain freeze going on.
I'm not sure that this would be classed as a left handed compliment. He's pretty much coming right out there and saying you've got a shitty band. Not that i can think of a lefthanded compliment right now. Brain freeze going on.
oops. sorry 'bout that.
I enjoy Neal's honesty. I don't picture him as a bitter basement dweller, just a guy who wants to help shitty bands make a demo. There are alot of people that will charge you way more to record your crap. Neal is just trying to help a shitty brother out. For $10 a har, no less.
I don't mean to be a music nazi (which I am), but Monkey, it's "bass player". And chicks only dig the bass player when the lead singer and guitarist are fugly. No one likes drummers.
Ok, so far Monkey's on crappy bass (base?), Myrna will be crappy on trumpet, I'll belt out my crappy vocals that I've been practicing on Rock Band. What else?
Got any ideas for band names? (Alas, piglipstick is already taken.)
PS to Turbo, I've got one exception. Entwhistle.
How about 'Polished Turd' for your band name? It would fit right in with Neal's program.
I thought a left handed compliment was actually an insult thinly disguised as a compliment.
For example: You look great--you must have lost weight.
Anyone?
@ Matt ... again with the Polish jokes?
Oh, "polished". Never mind.
Nightingale, someone the other day said Manic D. I like it for a band name. Otherwise, how 'bout The Bitch Ass Dykes?
I got the crappy tenor sax covered for ya... maybe some wailin' backup vocals, too.
Left-handed compliment:
A slam wrapped in a quasi-compliment. "You can't possibly be insulted because I'm giving you a compliment!"
Eg.:
"Skinny jeans don't usually look good on someone with your hips, but you manage to pull it off." (the look, not the jeans!)
And:
(Sniff) "You do your job pretty well for someone with just a bachelor's degree."
I'm surprised I needed to explain so simple a term to people who are usually astute. . . .
@Grumpy: Exactly! From used bands to used cars is only a step.
Ahhh the memories...the used car lots in the small rural town where I was born used to wrap snowtires in multicoloured aluminium foil-type wrappers...green, yellow, red...Do they still do that? As a small child I thought they were giant LifeSavers!
@CuriousKat--"Look great. Lost weight?" One of my favorites!
Yay, Chrome's in. B.A.D. Cool. What about that phrase a week or so ago? I can't remember...something bullshittery? Blaze was that yours?
My grandma called them back-handed compliments. Same thing. "Nice hair-cut. But I liked it better when it was long." What's the best/worst left-handed compliment you've ever received?
Neal has now been replaced with "AUTO-TUNE" and it makes all shitty singers sound good (to some extent) - even if they are still shitty like TI and LIL WAYNE...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6TJiKOEqnU&
What doesn't yet exist is "AUTO-LYRIC" - that will fix shitty lyrics. Then I suppose we'd need "Auto-Publicist" to market them properly...
I'll play drums. The band should come with a really awesome logo so I am voting for BUNNEE.
Nightingale, excellent choice of bass player, my favorite, but it's Entwistle. (I can't help it. The Who are my favortite band.)
Actually, Neal the Deal doesn't promise an un-crappy sound. All you get from his 8 year old equipment is that your band sounds "cooler" than it really is ... still crappy, but cooler.
@Turbo: Thanks, I stand corrected. One of my faves, too.
I was going to nominate you, but I was afraid your skills might be too good. Maybe you could pretend to drum crappy to be down to Neal's standards, or just get really drunk before recording?
I always thought it was a back-handed compliment. Is that British, or just me?
Also, I beg to differ with Turbo, I have a bit of a thing for drummers.
Hey! Can I be the crappy manager of the crappy band? That's what I always said to all my band-starting friends since I have not a lick of musical talent.
Well, it was worth a shot.
y'all need a crappy music librarian? or was that for the crappy high school marching band?
Spam protection: Do you see a doctor or a dentist for a toothache?
@Not Working: you don't need any talent for this crappy band. You'll be the perfect candidate for crappy band manager, seeing as you're not doing a lick of work in your ofice either. We'll give you a go, ok?
@Librarian: we're not in high school anymore. Unless you want to keep Not Working in crappy romance novels while he's jerking his responsibilities...?
Here's the band name: Snidely Bitchlash
How about a crappy groupie??
I've heard both 'back-handed' and 'left-handed' compliment. Either works.
Another fave: wow, I would never have thought to put that outfit together.
Drummers have the best rhythm.
@Night in gale
Thanks. I'm proud to be the crappy manager.
But just one correction @Night in gale @Libriarian "Unless you want to keep Not Working in crappy romance novels while (s)he's jerking (her) responsibilities...?"
I will return to jerking my responsibilities now!
Carry on.
Band name: Pagan Lust Monkeys
Sorry. That's all I've got
Ooh. A crappy LADY manager. Didn't see that coming, for some reason....
@Wish I was drinking: since groupies aren't technically band members, I was kinda hoping for more of the "top shelf" variety. But since groupies are volunteers, I guess we'll have to go with adage, "beggars can't be choosers."
(Not surprising that they're already lining up for Turbo. You go, Kat!)
Cheese and rice, some ad! Someone should slip ol Neal a copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People...NOT!"
why block out his phone number? give the man some free advertising imo. =)
Crappy band name: Lushnuts
or
December Chickens
Hey Cubby, can you play crappy lead guitar? We seriously need a crappy guitarist.
Interesting ideas for the band name. I thought Matt's "Polished Turd" was in keeping with the whole "crappy" theme.
Oh! I know. How about "Poo Hats"?
I can be a crappy keyboard player, seeing as how I took piano lessons in the 5th and 6th grade. Or, a crappy backup singer. My vote for band name: Judgenmental Bitches eating bammanas... Oh well, it was worth a shot.
Do you have to be under 30 to be in the crappy band? Cuz I sorta wanna sing. As in Lead Singer! Yes, yes, yes....I wanna be the Lead Singer...pleezpleezpleez
@ Teacher: I will be your back-up crappy singer
I can be the crappy sax player.
(haha..can't even play one, so I know I am really crappy)
I can play the triangle. The extent of the crappy percussion section.
@Turbo; yes... it's bass... except when you play it as crappy as I plan to. then it doesn't deserve to be spelled right...
(that or when I wrote that message I was "stupid-tired")
@night in gale, the phrase was "sanctimonious bullshittery".
which could be an awesome name for a shitty band
Thanks Monkey. I think that would be great. If Pastor Z can play something crappy we can always change it to Sanctimonious Nincompoopery and that would still work.
I call dibs on "Lighting Director" because I have no idea how it's done so I'm sure I would be crappy at it. And my knowledge of pyrotechnics extends to both snakes AND sparklers.
I second the idea of Bunnee being the band's logo.
Can I be a roadie? I'm great at dropping amps!
Night in gale I'll be the crappy lead Guitarist, if it's still open. I'm so musically untalented it's not possible for me to be anything but a crappy lead guitar!
Name: Panty Crickets
Logo: BUNNEE
Lead Singer: Teacher
Vocals: Fooch, Nightingale
Guitar: Smallbear
Bass: Monkey
Saxaphone: Lolita
Tenor Sax: Chrome
Trumpet: Myrna
Keyboards: MLM
Drums: Turbo
Triangle: Ding
Lighting Director: Geek
Roadie: Kathy
Archivist: Librarian
Manager: Not Working
Mastering and Production: Neal
Our first Demo: Priceless!
Thanks Dudley. I meant to sum that all up.