 |
July 24, 2008 |
|
 |
|
|
Meeting a Woman; A Cheat Sheet!
FOUND by Jim Swift
in Saint Louis, Missouri
I found this at the bar that I worked at in college after we closed. To this day, I wonder what the other "missions" were, and if I had met this fellow.
Sign in or register to start a profile and keep track of your comments. You may also post without creating a profile, but you'll have to answer some tough spam protection questions.
I Have a Conscience November 26, 2005 |
More Later! May 12, 2002 |
A Retirement Home ... July 14, 2007 |
I Put Up With You... January 20, 2007 |
 |
|
 |
         |
We collect FOUND stuff: love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework,
to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, telephone bills, doodles -
anything that gives a glimpse into someone
else's life. Anything goes...
This strikes me as being written by someone who has Asperger's Syndrome, or falls somewhere under the autism spectrum, or perhaps someone with extreme social anxiety disorder. I hope they ended up feeling good about the very, very planned encounter.
Man, meeting people is so hard...
"Listen to Shark, not Excusers." This person could also have Multiple Personality Disorder, or Depersonalisation Disorder as it is now known. I don't understand the new name for it, as having more "persons" in your head seems contradictory with "depersonalisation"...surely integration would be depersoning you?
"relax body part" Hmm.. just which part shall I relax? stand tall, chest pushed out NO SUDDEN UNCONSCIOUS MOVEMENTS. sounds to me like Tourette's?
I want to know what the Shark of Love is saying. "Yeah, that's it. Show your teeth. Swim closer, closer. Wave with your pectoral fin, that's right. Now say 'hi'."
I like the interpretation that there are actual named (and competing) voices going on in this guy's mind.
If you go out on the pull with a shark no one's going to give you a second look, find yourself a meeker, less charismatic pulling partner, otherwise he'll take all the attention without even trying. I'd recommend a pig. But not a funny one, a nice bland pig.
More fiber might help with that blockage problem.
i will listen to the shark. That is good advice.
Your pig suggestion is a good one, Effie, i'm assuming, that you'd suggest Porky Pig is not a good one.
Perhaps, listen to the shark, but hang with the pig? Unless the shark eats the pig. Then you're stuck with the shark again. It's the cycle of life, man.
Sounds to me sort of like the instructions they gave us at a workshop on dealing with aggressive, irate patrons.
(yes, we do get them in libraries ... both that kind of patron and that kind of workshop).
"No stiffness, relax body part..." I think we ALL know what parts the author is talking about!!!
I'm not sure I get that arm movement thing. Is he signaling a plane to land? Directing traffic ("Step back...Nothin' to see here")? Maybe he needs semaphore flags.
I sure wish someone had let me in on the universal signal for wanting to talk earlier in my life. Could have changed everything.
At first I thought it was some kind of scientology training thing.
remember 'land shark' from saturday night live? this must be notes for 'land shark jr.'
candygram!
If sharks could sing, the song goes like this,
http://tiny.cc/JdCvf
Then that would help your personal communications immensely.
lol candygram
OMFG! Now I see all these words making sensible sentences, 'No stiffness, relax body part, relax throat..."
Maybe an *amatuer* porn flick in the making at the college Bar??
I'll have to say it again..."NO stiffness,(WTF?)relax body part,(maybe that's the ONLY thing he can do!) relax throat...." (Uh-Yaaa!)
UMMMM, in all womens' fairness, when a woman sees a viagara-induced, vacuumed-pumped, ballooned-out, flacid, semi-soft/hard-on, bendable and flexible like a gymnast, the last thing (I'd wanna' do) any woman would want to do is *RELAX THROAT*!!! (Or have anything to do with a useless piece of skin like that...)
More like, get off the dope, start eating properly, exercise, keep using *it* naturally, (Use it, or you'll lose it!)no *steroids*, no pummps, and finally, GET OUT OF THE SHITTY BUSINESS!!!!!!!!
Find a REAL woman who can do all that and then some!
Maybe then you won't have to read your life in script and have (obviously) unwanted sex with *sharks* and starngers!!
SHEESH!!
**pumps**-Sorry!
**strangers**-Sorry!!
Memo to ladies:
If approached by a man waving his arms about and grinning idiotically, talking to himself while reading from a list of instructions, and with a relaxed body part, RUN A MILE.
Actually 'Listen to Shark not Excusers' is quite a useful piece of advice, i.e. be assertive, not apologetic.
In fact the best advice would surely be don't think about yourself at all. Think about this nice friendly woman and just say 'hi'.
Not that it works for me though ;-(
Ugh. I thought this sounded like Pick-Up Artist crap, so I googled "pick up artist, shark" and found this:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/fjshark3
It appalls me how pick-up "artist" stuff is being promoted as personal development. Shallow BS, is what it is.
Of course, the CD's not pickup, it's reducing your rejection. That's quite a goal - hey! I only got rejected 3 times tonight! woo hoo!
Feeling judgy today, can you tell?
@Melanie- I totally agree with you. When I first read this FOUND it reminded me of a great book:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Curious_Incid
Strange... My comment is partially cut off. Oh well. The book's title is "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time". Wikiipedia it. Or read it. It's fascinating.
@Jodababes--That book does sound like a good read! I think I read somewhere that it is being made into a movie. I might just have to order it from Amazon. I always love a good book recommendation!
Happy Birthday Ancient Vivi!
[psa] JodaBabes, the post partially cut off because your URL is too long. Found has some sort of kill switch now, so if you post a hugely long URL (or a long word or sentence with no spaces) it cuts it off, so that it doesn't mess with the entire formatting of the page. Neat, huh?
if you take your hugely long URL to TinyURL.com, you can get a smaller, more manageable URL that Foundmagazine won't Zap.
[/psa]
I am more educated now then when I first logged on this morning. Thank you.
Dang! I'd rather be whiling away the hours on Found, since it's Ancient Vivi's birthday!
*going up the page to read the comments until I get called away again*
I really liked "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time!" I think the movie, if there is one, won't be as good as reading it. It would be hard to capture the "voice" of autism in a movie, I think.
I read the Curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. Good read, nice and quick. I like how the chapters were numbered. It was a nice detail, and i like attention to detail.
Clover, i've noticed that, for me anyway, three things are easier to juggle than two. Four i can't do, tho.
I was thinking this was advice on encountering sharks when deep-sea diving.
Mona, I never thought about that. I was thinking two would be easier. Juggling one quandary at a time is hard enough. But people keep tossing another one toward me and I must catch. If any new ones come flying now, I might have to duck and then I would drop them all. No, can't do that.
Clover, if you find someone that's compatible, they can help you juggle your quandaries. Once you've tossed three quandaries their way, that gives them something to do, takes a few off your hands, and helps them realize how difficult it all is. (now, if that's not a life/relationship metaphor, i don't know what is.)
re: curious incident of the dog....
All you readers make me SO proud just to be here!
Personally, I enjoy that now is the time for VICTORY. Also, I always thought showing someone your palm was the international sign for either Stop, Gimme Five, or the popular and totally NOT grating to the nerves (scoff), Talk to the hand.
I think he's sending mixed signals to the person he hopes to woo.
Mona, good suggestion.. but this time it's the compatible people who are tossing quandaries at me, as they get tossed to them! I'm tossing back, really. I am. But even that takes balance, skill and concentration!
It's spelled quandary. Oups.
@ Drea. A big bold raised palm is as you say, but apparently in the subtle body language world, allowing your palms to be seen ie. in open had gestures, resting your hand on a table with the palm facing upwards a little etc. makes you seem more open and approachable.
Pigs don't have palms, they have trotters, this is why no one trusts a pig.
Or a shark.
i like this find, and curious incident could've been better had it been this short, too. i got so tired so quickly while reading that book. more and more and more of the same. i'm probably one of the few who will admit to disliking it; i get a lot of grief every time i do.
@lars.. no grief will i give you. I'm in a book group and I often don't like the books my group members rave about. And the ones I like they don't seem to get. Some books are better if you can read them all at once. I think curious incident was like that. What kept me interested was wanting to solve the mystery. I hate to admit that I start way more books than I finish. Hope Librarian in the woodwork isn't listening. Right now I have five books on my nightstand that I've started.
wasn't there some reality show from Canada around like a year ago that taught awkward men how to hit on women? iirc it was horrible.
maybe some lonely guy was taking notes?
I've never read "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" but here are a few that I enjoyed, maybe someone here will enjoy them too.
"Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" - Jonathan Safran Foer
"Life of Pi"-Yann Martel
"Leviathan"-Paul Auster
"Thank You For Smoking"- Christopher Buckley
"The Curious Case of Benjamen Button"-F.Scott Fitzgerald
here's a good Summer read:
"Rumo and His Miraculous Adventures"-Walter Moer
and one Nobel Prize winner:
"My Name Is Red"-Orhan Pamuk
both of the last two are translations,one from German the other from Turkish.
Opps forgot:
"What is the What"-Dave Eggers
Cubby, I read "The Life Of Pi" several years ago. Wasn't it wonderfully written? It was so descriptive in a hallucinatory way, so horrifically real, so believabley unreal. I like stories that take me to environs unlike my own (but not necessarily "fantasy worlds".)I'd like to re-read it.
"Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer is one of my most favorite books ever. I liked it better than his other book, "Everything is Illuminated," although that was good too.
night in gale, if you want to be taken to the
West Australian coast, read "Breath" by Tim Winton.
he's one of our best writers, but not that well-known outside this country
@Night "Life of Pi" is a book that I had decided not to read when it first came out. Something about the cover (a tiger in a small boat)turned me against it. I felt somehow that it had to be a mediocre book, not very well written and geared towards the sort of reader who "bad" books.And yes I am a Snob when it comes to books, have to be, I was an English major in College.(opps just revealed some personal info, but I'd bet no one here is surprised by this revelation.)Five years later I changed my mind and am glad I did. It was a wonderful book, I was completely wrong about it. But my philosophy towards reading is that you need to be "ready" for certain books before you should read them.
Clover I agree totally with you about both Foer's books. I found "Everything is Illuminated" to be overrated, though not without merit. That's why I was willing to read his 2nd book "Extremely loud...."
@Smallbear--I really liked Dave Eggers, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". I guess now I'll have to check out "What is What". He also collaborates on a collection of short stories that comes out periodically called "McSweeney's" and their website is hilarious!! Good stuff.
@mlm "What is the What" is a very different book than "Heartbreaking..." it is a semi-fictional account of the life of one of "the lost boys of Sudan" It is a tour de force for Eggers,showing just how immensely talented a writer he is. It is also a really insightful look at a time and place in recent history, that most Westerners, myself included, have little or no knowledge about. It is a tragic;human and in the end, a celebratory tale that should not be missed by any one who cares about the world and those who inhabit it. It also should not be skipped by anyone who enjoys really great; artful and beautiful writing, that shows soulful and true compassion for it's subject.
As the main character says at the end of his journey:
" How blessed are we to have each other? I am alive and you are alive so we must fill the air with our words. I will fill today,tomorrow, every day until I am taken back to God. I will tell stories to people who will listen and to people who don't want to listen,to people who seek me out and to those who run. All the while I will know that you are there. How can I pretend that you do not exist? It would be almost as impossible as you pretending that I do not exist."
Enjoy!
Wait, am I the first one to say it? Can it be? Okay, I'll say it.
..
.
.
.
CREEPY.
Magnify doesn't make it bigger. Same size. What does "Look C" mean? Why is the right edge of the paper cut off?
LOL @ MELANIE!!!
Thank you, Smallbear, for proving true the old idiom 'you can't judge a book by its cover'.
Is that Creepy Counter up there or is that someone just counting 'creepy'?
@Smallbear--I read the synopsis of it on Amazon yesterday, and it does seem very interesting. Unfortunately, I still have a stack of Amazon purchases I have to get through before I purchase any more! I guess that's a good problem to have if you're a reader, right?
Extremely creepy in a "Silence of the Lambs" sort of way. Move [phony broken arm in cast] from side to front [and ask for help loading a couch into the back of your van]. "Was she a big girl, roomy?"
I kind of have problems with estimating distance, and spatial relations. So should I carry a 30' tape measure with me? (like that Stanley with the 6' stand out?)
What does "look C" mean? In the medical field, doesn't C mean "with"?
@Mlm having to many books to read is always a good problem to have. :)Just promise me that you'll put "What is the What" on your list of books to read. It'll be worth while, I promise.